August 29, 2022
For men who have deconstructed their faith and left the church, pride can be a tricky thing. The Church has always shamed pride, but in reality, pride is actually a good thing to have. It’s healthy.
In this article, I’ll discuss what pride means for the deconverted man, and how to embrace it in a healthy way.
The Definition of Pride
First, what do I mean when I say “pride?”
Pride, simply put, is a sense of self-worth. It’s feeling good about yourself and your accomplishments.
The Church has always said that pride is a sin. They’ve said it’s arrogant and self-centered. And while there can be a dark side to pride, I want to make the case that pride is actually a good thing.
What’s the Church’s Problem With Pride Anyway?
Simply, the Church teaches that all good things and accomplishments you may achieve are actually not you at all, but God working through you to obtain those positive results. To take credit for these things is looked down upon because it means you’re not giving proper credit to God. In reality, God actually allowed you to accomplish those things by lending you his strength rather than you accomplishing things on your own merit.
Therefore, the Church teaches that any time you feel good about yourself, or take pride in your accomplishments, it’s actually a form of spiritual deception and arrogance.
I’m not going to lie—when I first left the Church, this was a really hard thing for me to grapple with. After all, the Church had always taught me that my self-worth came from God and not from myself. So, when I left the Church, I felt like I had lost all sense of who I was and what my purpose in life was.
It took me a while, but I eventually realized that the Church was wrong about pride. And once I did, my life changed for the better.
Why Pride is Actually a Good Thing
Now that we’ve talked about what pride is and why the Church is wrong about it, let’s talk about why pride is actually a good thing.
First, pride is healthy. It’s a sign that you have a healthy sense of self-worth. And having a healthy sense of self-worth is essential for a happy and fulfilling life.
Second, pride is motivating. When you feel good about yourself and your accomplishments, it motivates you to do even more. It’s like a positive feedback loop that helps you achieve even more in life.
And finally, pride is contagious. When you take pride in your accomplishments, it inspires others to do the same. This creates a domino effect that can lead to great things.
How Can Deconverted Men Embrace Pride in a Healthy Way?
If you’ve recently left the Church, you might still have some lingering Church programming that’s preventing you from reclaiming the credit for all the great things you’ve accomplished in your life so far, or from acknowledging the things you’re accomplishing today. How do you get over that?
Start small.
Begin by taking pride in the little things. Did you make your bed this morning? Did you eat a healthy lunch? Did you exercise today? These might seem like small accomplishments, but they’re actually quite important. Over time, these small things add up to a lot.
And as you begin to take pride in these small things, it’ll be easier to take pride in bigger things.
Next, look to your job.
Are you doing good work? Are you going above and beyond what is expected of you? If so, take pride in that. You might have once believed that God “gave” you that job, or “gave” you that promotion. But no. You earned that on your own merit.
You might also want to look at your hobbies and interests. Are you good at painting, playing the guitar, or cooking? These are all great things to take pride in. Whereas before, you might have attributed those gifts and talents to God, having always been taught that he “blessed” you with them. No. You practiced and honed those talents over the course of your life. They are yours to do with as you please.
If you’re in a happy relationship, take pride in that. You might’ve once thought that God brought your girlfriend, spouse, or partner into your life at some predetermined time, or that he created your partner specifically for you, therefore your relationship is actually a gift from God. Not so. You met your partner, you got to know them, and you decided that they were someone you wanted to be in a relationship with.
And finally, if you’re a parent, take pride in your children. It can be easy to think that your children are a product of God’s will and not your own, but they’re not. They’re a product of the love and care that you’ve put into them.
Are There Any Risks Associated With Pride?
I’ve painted a glowing picture of pride here, but are there some downfalls? Yes. As always, it pays to achieve balance when it comes to something like pride.
Too much pride can lead to narcissism. While it’s good to have a healthy sense of self-worth, it’s not so healthy to think you’re better than everyone else or that you’re entitled to special treatment. That’s where things can start to go off the rails.
Too much pride can also lead to a sense of entitlement. This is when you start to feel like you deserve things that you haven’t actually earned.
Too much pride can also lead to a lack of empathy. When you’re so focused on yourself and your own accomplishments, it can be difficult to see things from other people’s perspectives.
Too much pride can also lead to a sense of isolation. When you’re too proud, you might start to feel like you don’t need anybody else in your life. You might think that you can do everything on your own. But that’s not healthy either. We all need other people in our lives.
What’s funny is that as I read over that list, I can’t help but think of many Type-A celebrity pastors who succumbed to each of those pitfalls. For institutions that spend a lot of time warning about pride, churches sure are staffed with people who are extremely prideful in a negative and unbalanced way.
So, how do you achieve balance when it comes to pride?
It’s actually quite simple. Just make sure that you’re taking pride in things that you have actually accomplished, and not taking credit for things you haven’t. Make sure your sense of self-worth is based on reality and not some inflated sense of ego. Have a mentor or trusted friend or family member who you can check in with. Have some people who aren’t afraid to speak Truth into your life. They can keep you grounded and down to earth.
Conclusion
For men who have deconstructed their faith and left the church, getting in touch with your sense of pride is, in my opinion, an essential part of self-acceptance and moving forward. It’s time to start taking pride in who you are, what you do, and what you accomplish. It’s time to stop attributing your accomplishments to God, and start taking credit for them yourself.
Because at the end of the day, they’re yours, not his.