May 20, 2021
One of the best things that helped me recover after my devastating loss of religion was finding mentors.
Back when I was a Christian, I thought I knew everything I needed to know about mentors and mentorship. After all, Christians love mentorship, even though they usually refer to it as “discipleship.” Discipleship is a process—usually a formal arrangement, but sometimes not—in which a younger/newer/less mature Christian teams up with a more experienced and long-term Christian to learn how to grow and “become more like Jesus.”
Discipleship as mentorship is terrible because it presupposes that you want all the exact same things as the guy who is mentoring you, which is a traditional Christian lifestyle and all that it entails. And the Christian lifestyle means conformity, submission, and uniformity. Discipleship is merely there to help the newer Christian better conform to the rules and regulations of the religion.
After I left religion and started seeking out mentors, I quickly learned that the mentors I needed were people who I would swap life conditions with.
Unlike Christians and discipleship, I didn’t need to find someone who was “perfect” in every way. That is, of course, impossible to find, and another reason why Christian discipleship is such a flawed concept. Rather, I was on the lookout for people who I would swap specific life conditions with. As in, I didn’t need to adopt their entire lifestyle, but only certain aspects of it.
Perhaps the most basic way to do this is to look at the seven life areas and choose a different mentor for each of them. Find someone whose life area looks exactly as you envision for your own life and learn from them how to configure it that way.
Here’s an example:
Take the life areas of finances and health. Often (but not always) these two areas are in opposition. Guys who are really into business, entrepreneurship, their career, investing, or whatever it is they do that attracts them plenty of money oftentimes leaves them with little time or little interest in maintaining their health. Therefore, you would make this guy a mentor in terms of your finances only, but not necessarily your health. You would find someone else to learn from in that regard—a dedicated personal trainer perhaps.
You would also seek out a different guy who has a social life that resembles what you want for yourself and learn from him how he built it. Same for relationships. Same for hobbies. Same for spirituality, should you choose to explore it.
That’s the beauty of this type of mentorship as opposed to discipleship. It allows you to pick and choose. By taking on a guy as a mentor in only one life area, you hone in on a specific part of your life that you want to change. You don’t need to take on the other aspects of your mentor’s life that don’t interest you. When you do it like this, you avoid the uniformity and conformity that often results from discipleship in the Church.
And remember: the only people who you should take on as mentors in your own life are those who you would gladly switch life area conditions with—not necessarily their entire lives.
One great thing about mentors is that in the modern era, you don’t need to know these mentors personally. There are many people out there with online platforms who are sharing their lives and knowledge and wisdom on a limitless array of topics. You can find these guys with a little bit of time spent searching around the internet and then make them your mentor from afar. That means consuming their content, reading their books, watching their videos, or listening to their podcasts.
Then, of course, the tough part comes—actually implementing what they teach. Learning and consuming knowledge is the easy part. Converting that knowledge into actions taken in your own life is the challenge.
What about you? Did you take on new mentors after you left the Church? In what ways did they help you in your life after religion? Let me know in the comments!