January 4, 2021
This article is part of an ongoing series where I break down the 7 life areas and give examples of how religion damages them. Deconverting is more than simply ceasing to believe in dogma; it’s about clearing away the Church’s leftover teachings from all aspects of your life.
In this article, I’ll discuss three ways that fundamentalist religion damages your relationships.
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You marry too young.
I’ve written about this before. When you grow up in the Church and Church culture, there is a very high likelihood that you’ll get married way too young.
There are many reasons why this happens:
- There’s a church “stigma” about being older and single.
- There’s the mistaken belief that simply being a Christian is all one needs to have a successful marriage.
- The simple case of, “everyone else is doing it, so I want to, too.”
- The couple thinks it’s the only way they can have sex without sinning.
I’ve said before that you need to spend a large amount of time investing in yourself before you help others. You also need to spend a large amount of time investing in yourself before you take on the responsibility of a spouse. This is doubly true if you’ve recently deconverted.
Yes, of course you can continue to invest in yourself after you’re married, but it’ll be a lot harder. You simply won’t have the same amount of time or focus to do so as an unmarried man. Double or triple this if you have children.
Fortunately, since there is no such thing as “the one” and because you as a man have the ability to have children at almost any age, there is no reason to rush into marriage—or even marry at all—in the modern era.
2. You don’t date properly or realistically.
This is a huge problem. People in the Church just don’t date realistically.
This could be the extreme “courting” that happens in some church circles, where all dates are under the direct supervision of the family until marriage.
Even if your church was more modern and people didn’t “court” there was still a skewed perspective on dating:
- Dating should only be done with the intention to marry. If you aren’t planning to get married soon, you should break up immediately.
- There’s to be no sex. And if there is, you are to feel guilty and terrible about wanting to follow your natural desires and physically express your love for your partner.
- You can only date someone who has the exact same religious beliefs as you.
There’s also the issue of bringing God into the relationship. Most church couples are told that their relationship needs to honor God. Therefore, the couple spends all their time trying to make their relationship be something that makes God happy rather than what makes them happy.
It’s also way too easy for a man to say to a woman, “God told me that we were going to get married.” If the woman isn’t discerning, she may just go along with it, much to her detriment. Many abusive and domineering relationships and marriages have begun with those words.
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You’re forced into one relationship model.
The Church and Christianity recognize only one relationship model: marry a “good, Christian girl” in a traditional, legal, monogamous marriage, and stay married to her for the rest of your life no matter what.
This gets a bit trickier because most non-religious people and those that have deconverted still default to this relationship model. They do this simply because this model is what society has deemed acceptable. That doesn’t mean it’s right for all people, or possibly even most people.
There are many examples of other relationship models that you can shamelessly explore when you’re on the other side of religion:
- Same-sex
- Non-monogamy
- Swinging
- LAT couple (Living Apart Together)
- Choosing to be in no relationship at all
It’s all good and it’s all valid.
The problem with religion is it gives you absolutely no space to explore any of these options. People who never explore and experiment are more likely to be trapped into relationship models that don’t suit them, but rather suit Church culture or society. Luckily, society is slowly changing to be more accepting of these alternative relationship models.
Do any of these points describe you during your time in fundamentalism? Or maybe it was something that I didn’t mention here? Let me know in the comments!