January 18, 2021
This article is part of an ongoing series where I break down the 7 life areas and give examples of how religion damages them. Deconverting is more than simply ceasing to believe in dogma; it’s about clearing away the Church’s leftover teachings from all aspects of your life.
In this article, I’ll discuss three ways that fundamentalist religion damages your family.
Family can mean one of two things: your parents and siblings, or if you have your own family, your spouse and children. This article will address your spouse and children.
To read Part 1, which discusses parents and siblings, click here.
1. Children are indoctrinated.
“Raising kids in the church” is just another way to say that you’re choosing to indoctrinate your children.
There is quite a bit of debate about whether or not indoctrination should be considered child abuse. That’s a big topic and outside the scope of this article.
However, what you are doing when you indoctrinate your children is you are teaching them that your beliefs are facts when they are anything but.
The worst part of this is teaching your young child that if he or she disobeys God or ever stops believing in him, then he or she will ultimately go to a place of eternal, conscious torture.
In what world would you ever want to scare a child with this false information? I’ve spoken to many deconverted people who still have left over trauma from thinking there was a possibility that God would send them to hell for their mistakes.
Others also suffer from “Rapture Anxiety.” When they came home and found the house empty, their first thought was that God had taken their family up to heaven while they were left behind.
If these ideas seem silly to you, then you don’t fully understand religious trauma. This is what happens when young children who don’t know any better and have no reason to believe that their parents would lie to them are exposed to doctrines of hell and punishment.
2. You’re taught that just by being a man, you’re able to be the head of a family.
One of the Church’s huge false teachings is that just because you’re a man, you’re capable of being the head of a family.
That isn’t true. Unfortunately, many men learn this the hard way.
Bringing a spouse into your life is a huge responsibility that most men take on way before they’re ready. Having kids is an even bigger responsibility.
If you don’t have a family yet and you want one, then the biggest favor you can do for your future spouse and kids is to first become a man. Grow up. Sort your own life before becoming responsible for the lives of others.
Like being a Christian, simply being a man does not magically give you the ability to start a family effectively.
3. Deconverting changes the original “contract” of a marriage or relationship.
If you married your Christian girlfriend when you were still a Christian, then the “contract” was that you two were entering into a Christian marriage, would raise your kids in the church, and have a Christian family.
I put “contract” in quotes because of course there was no formal paperwork drawn up and signed. It’s more of an unspoken contract.
When you deconvert, that “contract” is violated. Your wife will no longer get the Christian family she thought she was getting when she married you.
You are absolutely well within your right to deconvert. You can’t help what you believe. Your wife is also well within her right to be saddened by the loss of the future she thought she was getting when she married you.
These situations—having a spouse who still believes—are common among those who are deconstructing. That complicates everything. Some relationships make it while others don’t. It can get messy.
Do any of these points describe you during your time in fundamentalism? Or maybe it was something that I didn’t mention here? Let me know in the comments!