January 23, 2023
There are two types of college pastors:
1. College pastors who were saved as kids and grew up as Christians their whole lives.
2. College pastors who were saved as adults and lived wild lives before they found Jesus.
By “wild lives” I mean they partied, drank a lot, perhaps did some drugs, and of course hooked up with tons of women.
The thing about college pastors who fall into the second category is they love to tell you about it, especially in their sermons. They use it as a contrasting image to the life they lead today (ostensibly) after turning to God. But they talk about it so much that, to me, it often comes across as bragging.
“And bro, the girls. Just… so many girls. We had fake IDs so we’d get into the college bars when were still seniors in high school. And the college girls didn’t know. Man, they were so hot, we chatted them up, and my buddies and I used to take them home. We did that every weekend and several times a week during the summer. Blondes, brunettes, redheads. Then we’d go to spring break and meet even more girls—girls who went to Auburn, Mississippi State, UT. Aw man, dude. Those were wild times…
“BUT! None of that made me happy. I mean, at the time I thought it made me happy, but it really didn’t. Instead it just left a giant hole in my heart, one that I learned later only God could fill. So I gave my life to Christ and I cut out all the partying and drinking and girls. They didn’t like it. They still called me up, not believing that I was a new man now. They were beating own my door, trying to get me to sleep with them. And I was tempted. But through the power of God, I remained strong and resisted. Now I’m married and couldn’t be happier.”
That’s a rough approximation of his testimony, but it’s not far off, in my experience. But his story was causing the minds of young Christian men to wander in a different direction than he intended…
They were likely thinking things along the lines of: “man, how nice and convenient it must be to have a bunch of sex and then find Jesus. I mean, according to the Bible, he’s forgiven for that and still gets to go to heaven. Meanwhile, here I am, having zero sexual experience and struggling with it all the time, but since I got saved as a kid and grew up in church, I don’t get to go have those same experiences as him. I wonder if it’s easier to deal with sexual temptation when you’ve hooked up with a bunch of girls before becoming a Christian?”
I know similar things went through my head when I listened to the testimonies of these kinds of pastors with a past. Which all leads to a very interesting question: now that you’ve deconstructed your faith, deconverted, and left religion and Christianity behind, should you make up for lost time?
What I mean by “make up for lost time” is should you now go out and have a bunch of sex with a bunch of different partners?
And the answer is… it depends.
Everyone’s situations are unique when leaving the church, but I have some general thoughts. Of course, this all presumes that you are pursuing this little objective legally, safely, and ethically.
Exploring Your Sexuality as a Single Man
If you’re coming out of the church single and haven’t had a lot (or any) sexual experience, then yes, I think you would do yourself a favor by taking some time to explore. It might be hard at first (pun very intended) but I do think exploring your sexuality is a key part of developing as a human—which is why purity culture is so damaging; it just doesn’t allow for this very normal part of human development.
I’d suggest, though, that you have a little more thoughtful of a reason as to why you do this than “bang as many girls as possible.” That’s called sport fucking, and while it’s a common pastime for young men, I do think that it’s a pretty empty goal, much like the college pastor from above said. Rather, this process would be better served if you framed it through a lens of sexual development:
- Discovering what you like during sex.
- Figuring out what kind of partners you prefer to have sex with.
- Considering if you even like casual relationships at all or if you prefer all relationships to be long-term and committed (there is nothing wrong with enjoying casual relationships, in my opinion.)
- Exploring your body and letting partners explore your body in ways you may not have experienced yet.
- Learning how to express your sexuality in a safe, legal, and ethical way (if you’re a heterosexual man, the margin of error here is very thin these days).
Exploring Your Sexuality as a Married Man
If you come out of religion and you’re in a relationship with or married to someone who has also left religion with you, then you could perhaps have the conversation about making up for lost time together—opening up the relationship. There are many formerly-religious couples doing this (carefully and with a lot of discussion) and having a lot of fun.
I have not personally been in this position, but I know there are plenty of couples who have. The good thing about this is that they are quite open and approachable and helpful, so if you and your spouse/partner find yourselves in this situation, I’d advise seeking out a couple who has done something similar. A relationship therapist will also be able to help.
Choosing to embark on this little project does not mean whatsoever that you are choosing to do this for the rest of your life. Not at all. You are completely free to give yourself a timeframe. Meaning you’ll tell yourself something like: “I’ll play around for the next five years, and at that point I’ll start looking for something more serious or long-term.” The great thing about this is that you’re free to revise it. If at the end of those five years you find you are not quite ready to settle down, then you can tack on some more time.
The positive aspect of this is that when you finally do decide to settle down into a more serious relationship, you will very likely be a lot better equipped to handle it. You’ll have lots of relationship experience under your belt, along with plenty of sexual experience. You’ll know what you like, what you’re looking for, and what type of person is the most ideal person for you. This is far superior to the Christian dating model, which is very akin to “guessing, crossing your fingers, and hoping for the best.”
Of course, you might also decide that you don’t want a long-term partner at all, and that’s totally cool too.
Conclusion
Should you make up for lost time (sexually) after leaving religion? As always, the decision is up to you. But if you were to ask me, I’d say: sure, go ahead. Just as long as you remember to do so safely, legally, and ethically. If you are younger and coming out of religion without a lot (or any) sexual experience, then I would almost say it’s necessary.
However, I would caution against letting this become the primary focus of your attention and energies. Hooking up with a bunch of people isn’t going to cure the pain caused from leaving religion; don’t do it for that reason. Rather, do it for the reason I suggested above: an exercise in learning about yourself, your body, and what you want in a future partner or partners.