May 10, 2021
Purity culture and the negative view of sex and sexuality within the Church is a huge conversation when it comes to deconversion, religious trauma, and faith deconstruction. Usually, the focus of these conversations is how it affects women, and with very good reason. But as I’ve said before, the damaging teachings of purity culture also affect men.
Pretty much all discussions about sexuality amongst those leaving the Church is focused on how women were shamed for their bodies, were told how to dress and behave so as not to “tempt their brothers,” virginity pledges, and all sorts of bullshit that was wrong and terrible and traumatizing. These are important and valuable conversations that need to be had. It’s easy to see why amidst all these vital conversations, it can be difficult for a man to find the space to raise his hand and say, “after all the shame I endured in the Church, I’m having problems too.”
The magnitude of shame laid on men for their desires and sexuality is so extreme that even after leaving the Church, many Deconverted Men still have lingering issues. One way these issues manifest is sexual dysfunction.
Essentially: your dick don’t work like it should.
Well, this website is a place to have these kinds of conversations.
I am not a doctor and this article is not giving you medical advice. As always, use your own common sense and take action based on what is right for you.
Almost always, sexual dysfunction in recently Deconverted Men is caused by lingering feelings of shame that still dwell within them even though they logically know they shouldn’t be ashamed for what they’re doing (having sex, masturbating, etc.).
Assuming he’s single, it can be a huge moment for a recently Deconverted Man when he finally has sex after realizing sex isn’t a sin. After a lifetime of hearing his pastors tell him sex was dirty and wrong, his mind and body can sabotage him in these intimate moments even though he logically knows what he’s doing isn’t wrong or immoral.
This can even happen when he isn’t consciously nervous in the situation or even thinking about his old religious beliefs at all. He can be excited and ready to go, but then… nothing.
Here’s the thing: it’s your subconscious that’s nervous and holding you back, and the subconscious mind is far more powerful and influential than the conscious mind.
So how do you retrain your subconscious mind to know that having sex is a good thing instead of a bad thing? There’s some simple advice to overcome this issue: practice. Yay! That means more funky time.
But I know it’s a lot more nuanced and awkward in real life. After all, you have a partner there with you, expecting a good time, and if you fail to deliver, you may feel embarrassed and like a let down.
Pretty much all women (and men) who regularly have sex with men know well that men have trouble getting it up sometimes. However, they likely see this problem as more of an exception than a rule, so when it happens repeatedly, they may start to also become frustrated.
It absolutely pays to be honest here. Tell your new partner that you’ve recently come out of a very rigid belief system that condemned sex outside of marriage. Hopefully she’ll understand and have patience.
Unfortunately, if your dick fails you many times in a row with the same partner, she may stop seeing you. This isn’t good, and will probably only hurt your confidence more, but it’s a reality you may need to prepare for. She is well within her rights to make her own decisions about her relationships and sex partners, and if that’s what she decides, then you need to respect it.
There’s another aspect to this that needs to be touched on: porn. While it’s true that watching porn is not a sin, there’s plenty of research out there that shows porn can negatively impact your ability to stay hard with a real partner. If you’re trying to begin a relationship or you’re trying to explore your sexuality after deconverting, do yourself a favor and lay off the porn.
I would also suggest masturbating less as well. Save the satisfaction of your sexual desires to the times when you’re with a real partner. You don’t need me to tell you that after a few days of not masturbating, you’ll have a lot pent up sex energy and libido that’s eager to be expressed.
It may seem counterintuitive to decrease both porn consumption and masturbation after realizing neither of them are sinful, but doing so will increase the “novelty” of the real-life situation and will help you perform in the moment.
Finally, if you’re really, really struggling to get it up and keep it up, it’s technically possible for you to use medication to help you. I would advise against using pills as a long-term solution, but rather as a very temporary thing just to get you over the hump (pun intended).
You probably already know that you can’t get that kind of medicine without a prescription. You can try booking an appointment with a urologist and being totally honest with him. Alternatively, you can seek out a dedicated mens health clinic and speak to the doctor or physicians assistant there.
If you’re a younger guy, the doctor will say you’re too young for dick pills and that your problem is mental, not physical. He’s right. Again, the best thing to do here is be totally honest. Say something like this:
“I’ve left a sexually repressive religion and I’m trying to get out there. I can’t keep it up when I’m in the moment with a partner. I can get hard and stay hard when I masturbate by myself, but there’s some sort of block when I’m in a sexual situation with a partner. I would like to try a little temporary backup until I can get used to it.”
I’ve worked with urologists for years and they care very much about your genitals and sexual health. And doctors and physician assistants don’t open mens health clinics without caring about mens health. Simply ask for the lowest possible dose of Cialis or Viagra. The worst they can say is no.
Even the simple fact of knowing you have a pill on board will do wonders in breaking through the mental blocks. Just remember what I said: this not a long-term solution. Wean yourself off as fast as you can.
What about you? Did you have these kinds of issues when you first left religion? Or were you one of those naughty Christians who just prayed for forgiveness later? Let me know in the comments!