April 1, 2021
I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again now. I’ll never stop saying it because it’s that important for people to understand:
“The One” does not exist.
The Church and Church culture teach so many toxic, dangerous, and inaccurate things that sometimes it’s hard for me to choose which is the worst. I honestly think it depends on what mood I’m in that day. I suppose today I’m in the mood to rail on the idea of “the one.”
During my time in the Church, I heard many times that God creates people two at a time, side by side. These people are destined by God’s divine plan to meet each other, get married, and stay married for the rest of their lives.
Well, it should go without saying that since God doesn’t exist, it isn’t possible for him to create people two at a time that are destined to be with each other forever.
Where do we get this idea of “the one”? It doesn’t just come from the church. It’s entrained into us over the course of many years, especially when we were young.
- If you grew up watching Disney movies, then on some level you’ve been trained to believe in “the one.”
- If you watch any number of popular sitcoms in the last decade or two, you’ve also been fed a healthy dose of “the one” messaging.
- If you’ve been listening to popular music at any point during your life, then you’ve definitely had the idea of “the one” dropped into your subconscious.
When people deconvert from their religion, sometimes they are reluctant to let go of the idea of “the one.” Because when they do, that means that their wife, who they married believing God had created them side by side and had destined them to find each other… isn’t that at all.
I’m not saying she isn’t special to you. I’m not saying your love for her isn’t authentic. Not at all!
But when you let go of the idea that she’s “the one” then it opens you up to a new level of freedom and relief that wasn’t there before. You’re forced to admit that you chose her. This is a good thing. It means you can take full responsibility for your relationships now and throughout the rest of your life.
If your relationship is strong and going well, then that means the bond you two built was done so by you both. Not by God and his mysterious plan. You and her get to take all the credit.
On the other hand, if your relationship isn’t great and it seems like you’re better off breaking up or divorcing, then you no longer have to fear messing up God’s plan by doing so. Since he didn’t create the two of you side by side, that means you simply chose the wrong person to marry, got married too soon, or just simply grew apart over the years.
In either case, you get to take full responsibility for your relationship and conduct it (or end it) as you see fit. There is no god controlling it all with puppet strings for his own mysterious plan.
“The one” not existing is also a huge benefit for single guys. Single guys in the Church move throughout their lives keeping their eyes peeled for “the one.” When you let go of that notion, you can now expand your potential list of relationship prospects to a huge percentage of the 4 billion women on the planet (or 4 billion men or all 8 billion of Earth’s people, if you prefer).
Since “the one” does not exist, then it stands to reason that “the two” or “the three” don’t exist either. I realize those don’t have the same ring as “the one” but it’s still true. Since you can’t quantify the number of possible relationships in your life to one, then that means you could theoretically have an infinite number of relationships.
Sometimes, when I felt like being a smart ass, I would float this idea out to my pastors: If love and marriage was such an awesome thing, shouldn’t we want to experience it as many times as possible with as many people as possible? None of them ever gave me a direct retort to that. Only a dirty look.
If you can theoretically have an infinite number of relationships, then you can extrapolate that idea out and come to some conclusions that may be uncomfortable to sit with at first, but are true regardless.
- If someone breaks up with you, there shouldn’t be any reason to freak out.
- If a first date doesn’t go well, you can shrug it off and have a better one with the next person.
- If your girlfriend wants to get married but you’re not ready yet, you can rest assured that it’s safe to let her go. She’ll find another man in the same town who is ready to marry her and treat her just as well as you would have.
I’ve written before about the idea of attachments in your life and how to handle them. Your relationships, as one of your seven life areas, is an important part of your overall happiness. You can’t really remove the need for relationships. But the specific people you fill your relationship life with, however, are definitely removable and replaceable.
You may not like hearing this. You may accuse me of being anti-relationship, or cynical, or crazy. But I’d encourage you to flip this around and see how “the one” not existing actually greatly increases the odds that you’ll have a happy and satisfying relationship life.
The idea of “the one” is constrictive. It injects a layer of stress and fear into relationships that just isn’t needed. When one or both people in the couple think that their partner is “the one” then that likely means they think they’ll be screwing up a bunch of predetermined plans if they break up. This can cause people to remain in unhappy relationships for longer than they should.
When you let go of the idea of “the one” then you can once again reclaim control of your relationship life. When you control it, you can build your relationship life in a way that suits you—not in a way that suits the Church or society.
Remember that this concept works the other way around as well. Your girlfriend or wife could build a relationship that’s just as good, perhaps better, with one of a huge number of eligible men that live within a five mile radius of your home. So treat her well!
What about you? Did you believe in “the one” during your time in the Church? Maybe you still held onto the idea even after you deconverted? Or maybe you still believe in “the one”? Let me know in the comments below!