July 12, 2021
When you deconstruct your faith and leave the Church and your religion, one of biggest things that changes is your social life. If you grew up in the Church and spent half your life there, then it’s not unreasonable to assume that most, if not all of your friends are religious. And it won’t take you long to learn that religious friends suddenly aren’t very friendly toward you when you opt out of their belief system.
As a result, you could find yourself alone and isolated during what is arguably one of the biggest and most difficult transitions of your life. This sucks, but it’s an unfortunate reality.
Therefore, when it comes to rebuilding your life after a painful deconversion, one of the biggest projects that a newly Deconverted Man will undertake is developing a brand new social life. But if you were in the Church for a long time, it’s possible you don’t know any other way to make friends besides a church setting where you see each other on Sundays and attend the same mens group every Wednesday night.
Making friends in the Church is easy. There’s a strong connection based on shared beliefs and lifestyles. Outside the Church, things get a bit more complicated. You’re faced with people who have unique lives and belief systems. Is it even possible to be friends with someone who is completely different from you?
The good news is yes, it’s totally possible. Men are deep and complicated creatures, but the way men bond is actually quite simple. There is a practical way to purposely seek out new guys to hang out with. Here are some suggestions that have worked for me in the past:
1. Down to the Pub
I can’t explain it, but there’s something about men that draws them to drink together. In some countries and cultures, it’s not unusual for men to get together for a drink or two every evening.
So head to a local watering hole, sit at the bar, and have a beer, maybe two. Preferably there’s a male bartender. Make idle chitchat with him when possible but don’t distract him when he’s in the middle of something. If you do this a couple of times a week, you’ll eventually become “a regular.” Over time, you’ll notice the other regulars and they’ll notice you. Greet those guys every time you see them.
Over time, these friendly exchanges will naturally turn into conversations. Pretty soon you’ll have a few strong acquaintances. Accept the first event they invite you to. If those don’t come fast enough for you, put together your own event and invite them yourself.
2. Learn Something New
An even better method to make friends is to choose a hobby or skill you’ve always wanted to learn and find a place where it’s taught. Examples include a sports club, a boxing gym, or a language learning class. Men bond quickly when doing such things together, especially traditionally masculine activities that include team sports or anything outdoors.
Using this method brings additional rewards as well—you make new friends over a shared interest and improve your life by adding a quality hobby.
Although instantaneous friendships can and do happen, plan on treating this project of rebuilding your social life as a field of seeds you’ve planted that need some time to grow. That being said, it won’t take as long as you might think.
Here’s an important thing to keep in mind: many men make the mistake of believing that their social lives exist for them merely as entertainment or as a way to spend idle time besides being home alone and bored. Those things are partially true, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with them, but there’s a big missed opportunity here. A quality social life can help you to grow and develop much faster than you normally would on your own.
For this reason, be intentional about keeping an eye out for guys that are “ahead of you” in life in one or more ways that you would like to emulate. Befriend them and learn from them. Make them your mentor.
The Church tries to do this with mens groups. As usual, their line of thinking is correct but their execution is terrible. In your old mens group the older, wiser Christian who was handing down his knowledge and “wisdom” to the younger generation wasn’t giving you good information. He was pretty much teaching you how to be a better Christian, which essentially means being a better follower of the religion and its arbitrary and harmful rules. Now that you’ve left the Church, much of that advice won’t be relevant to you anymore.
Now, you can seek out mentors that can help you in more practical ways. Maybe you can find a guy who can mentor you on how to drastically improve your health. Or another guy who can mentor you on how to significantly increase your income after you’ve spent so long in the Church believing that money was evil and it was better to not have a lot.
And don’t forget perhaps the most important rule of all: have fun. Men in the Church can be quite uptight with all their rule following, thought life policing, sexual repression, avoiding of responsibility, and fear. There are plenty of quality, awesome men out in the world who are laid back and enjoying life without the pressure of following a pointless religion. Find them, meet them, and join them.