May 30, 2022
I’ve written before how men are also victimized by the damaging teachings of purity culture. I’ve written 3 articles in this series so far, but unfortunately, there’s still more to discuss.
Here are three more ways purity culture harms men:
Dating anxiety
When you’re told that you shouldn’t even consider dating a girl unless you have serious intentions to eventually marry her, it’s no wonder men in the Church can develop a serious anxiety around the topic of dating.
Young men in the church have it drilled into their heads that they need to be the “spiritual head of the household,” that it’s their responsibility to lead their wives and children in faith, and that if they don’t do it well, they will all suffer.
I know that for me, I spent a lot of time worrying about whether or not I would make a good husband and father someday. Would I be able to meet the high standards set for me? What if I screwed it up? What if I didn’t feel ready when my future girlfriend decided it was time for us to get married (I’ve noticed that, especially in the Church, it’s the girl who most often pushes the man to propose)?
Even after leaving the Church, men who were raised in purity culture can still have anxiety around dating because it’s an entirely different game dating women who’ve never stepped foot inside a church in their lives. That leads to an entirely different set of potential problems—particularly when it comes to sex—that’s a bit outside the scope of this article.
For more information on that, read my article Dating as a Deconverted Man.
Men are taught they have no choice about their sexuality
In general, young men in the church are taught that they’re sexually insatiable and that if they let their guard down for even a moment, allow even the smallest amount of temptation in, then they’ll “stumble” in this area.
In addition, when the pressure is put on young Christian girls to dress a certain way in order to not tempt their “brothers in Christ,” many young men are taught that they don’t have much, if any, control over their sexuality. They’re told that they’re “wired” to be hyper attracted to women. It can also lead some younger men who have not yet begun developing in this area to wonder what could be wrong with them if they haven’t yet taken an interest in girls like all the other boys in the Sunday school class.
This can sometimes be taken so far to the extreme that young men honestly believe that if it weren’t for God’s grace, they’d literally be rapists.
There’s another aspect to this, and that’s the young men who find they are not attracted to girls, but rather to other boys. As I mentioned in the previous article in this series, these boys get no support as only heterosexual relationships are accepted in the church. This can cause the young man to think he needs to “get a handle on” his sexuality, to forcibly steer it in the direction it’s “supposed” to go so he can start liking girls as he’s been taught. However, he’ll quickly learn that he can’t steer himself that way, and that makes him feel even more that he’s not in control of his sexuality.
Sex gets WAY overhyped
Because of all this hyper focus on sex and relationships and all the attention drawn to it, sex gets way overhyped in Christian circles.
When it’s all said and done, the reality is that sex is just a normal part of life. It’s just something people do. It’s enjoyable, sure, but it’s not this magical thing that will solve all your problems or make you feel complete.
Yet, time and time again, Christian young people (and some older people as well) put way too much emphasis on sex. They think that if they just have sex with the “right” person who has been chosen for them by God, then everything will be perfect. As if he and his virginal spouse are going to be rockin’ it until the house caves in.
Many newly married Christian couples are shocked and disappointed to find that sex doesn’t always go as planned when they first become active. There are a lot of kinks that need to be worked out (pun intended) that honestly should have been explored before the relationship reached the point of marriage, but I digress.
A big part of this disappointment comes from sex being overhyped throughout their young lives in the church. It’s true of anything: if it’s built up over the course of a long time, you have huge expectations, and they often let you down.
Yes, sex can be awesome and amazing, but it’s a stretch to say it’s awesome and amazing every time. It can be awkward, uncomfortable, goofy, quick or long, boring, kinky, or a number of other things.
Conclusion
So, these are three more ways that purity culture harms men. If you can think of others, feel free to share them in the comments below.
If you missed the previous three articles in this series, you can read them here: