November 30, 2020
The Church and Church teachings wreak havoc on the lives of men around the world, but perhaps some of the worst damage is done to these men’s relationships.
This is a huge topic that could fill several articles (and will) so today I’ll focus only on one of the many problems that fall under this umbrella: men in the church who get married way too young.
As I’ve said before, the Church presumes to have all the answers in all of the important matters in the lives of men. Your relationships is definitely no exception. From the moment you were saved, you were indoctrinated with tons of beliefs regarding how to approach your relationships. Most of it was just a bunch of rules: Don’t do this. Don’t do that.
You probably weren’t ever specifically told, “You need to get married as soon as possible,” but you may have learned that on a subconscious level. It’s nearly impossible not to when you spend so much time in a church community that has way-too-young people getting married almost every Saturday.
If you don’t believe that this silent social pressure exists, then look back at your church and remember that guy who was “too old” to be single. I put “too old” in quotes because he probably wasn’t that old at all. Around age 30 or so, single men in the church start to raise some eyebrows. This is terrible and shouldn’t be the case, but it’s the reality.
I don’t think men in the Church who get married are completely clueless. Despite their religion, these men still have an intuition that serves no god and seeks to protect them. That little voice in the back of their heads tells them that this might not be a good idea, or that it’s a bit too soon, or maybe that his girlfriend isn’t really his ideal partner.
But like a good Christian boy, he determines that his intuition is the devil trying to tempt him and he dutifully stifles it.
Also, these men have a lot of false beliefs that push them down the aisle:
- He believes his girlfriend was specifically chosen for him by God.
- He believes that once he’s married, the sexual sin he and his girlfriend are already doing now becomes permissible.
- He believes that because he and his wife believe in God, their marriage will look like all the other “ideal” marriages in their church.
When I advise Christian men to not get married too young, it’s to prevent a bunch of problems that they’ll have later in life. These are problems they don’t know they’ll have (or think they’ll never have) because they believe their faith and God will prevent them.
There are also two major things to be aware of before making the huge decision of taking on a spouse:
1. You’ll Need to Become a Man
You will eventually have to become a real man in the real world no matter what religion you belong to. Being saved by Jesus does not make you man. Getting baptized does not make you man. Having been a Christian for a long time does not make you man.
You become a man by getting your seven life areas in order in the way that you choose.
That last part is important because most men in the Church arrange their seven life areas in accordance to the expectations of God or their pastor or their mens group. That’s the wrong way to do it. Your seven life areas need to reflect your standards and your values.
You can do this after you’re married, of course, but it’ll be a lot harder. You simply won’t have the same amount of time to dedicate to investing in yourself as a single guy will have. Therefore, it’s so much better to complete a huge part of the process of becoming a man before you take on the responsibility of a spouse.
2. People Change
If you’re a Deconverted Man, then you know how true this is.
The 35-year-old version of you will look nothing like the 25-year-old version of you. If it does, then you probably aren’t living fully enough.
As you progress through life, your goals will change, your preferences will change, your ideal version of yourself will change. Pretty much everything will change (and it should; that’s good and healthy).
If you’re on this site, then your entire religious belief system has changed (or will very soon). That right there should show you that literally any aspect of your life, who you are, and who you want to be is vulnerable to change.
The truth is that as you change, the people you want to surround yourself with and be in relationships with will also change. A piece of paper from the government and a pronouncement from your wedding officiant do not magically prevent this from happening.
Even if you somehow don’t change that much over the course of a decade or two, your wife will. This new version of herself is just as valid as any new version of yourself that you may become. It’s a very strong possibility that she’ll realize that she no longer sees a long-term future with you.
If you wait until you’re older to make huge commitments like marriage, then you’ll have a much better idea of who you are, what you want, and where you want to be in the future. This leads you to a greater chance of successfully choosing a long-term partner.
If you’re reading this as a younger, single Deconverted Man (or soon-to-be Deconverted Man) then understand that you have a lot to relearn as far as how to handle your relationships. That’s a good thing because it means you avoided beginning a relationship or marriage based on a bunch of false religious dogma.
If you’re a Deconverted Man and you married your church girlfriend when you were both very young, does that mean I think your life is wrong or terrible? Of course not! My hope is that your spouse will deconvert along with you or, if she doesn’t, that you can both find a way to live in peace with each other and your different belief systems.
Of course, that doesn’t always happen, but that’s an article for another time…