July 19, 2021
Why men?
It’s the question I’ve gotten the most and a valid one. To be fair, it’s long overdue that I dedicate an article to it.
You may assume that the reason my website and book are called The Deconverted Man is because I’m a man who has deconverted from Christianity and is writing about my experiences. You’re correct. But my website and book are also called The Deconverted Man because I’m writing specifically to other men and those who identify as men who have recently deconverted from their religion.
Plenty of women deconvert from religion as well, so why did I choose to hone in on men?
First and foremost, I think men are fantastic creatures who have a lot to offer. That being said, I do think many men in the modern era have lost their way. I was one of them. One big reason I lost my way was by believing in a religion for so long.
There’s a lot of talk these days about toxic masculinity and the patriarchy within the Church, and that’s for good reason. There are a lot of men within the Church who are assholes. But after leaving religion, it quickly becomes apparent that toxic masculinity and the patriarchy pollute the secular world as well. There’s a whole lot of messaging being sent to men that even though they’ve finally left a religion in which they were in the wrong, they’ve now entered into a larger secular society where, somehow, they are still in the wrong, simply because they’re men.
I’ve met many men, both in real life and online, who actively debase themselves because they feel like it’s the only way to make amends for the asshole men in the world. But since these guys aren’t assholes and have genuinely good intentions, debasing themselves is the last thing they should be doing. It reminds me a bit too much of the self-flagellating we used to do for the sake of God (“God is great, while my good deeds are filthy rags”). Going even further, there are some extreme people out there who think men as a whole don’t deserve to be encouraged, built up, helped, or listened to. If you’re one of those people, you and I probably won’t get along, nor will you enjoy my site. Feel free to stop reading now and have a nice day.
Looking back on my own development, I realized that the content and material that helped me the most was extremely niched to my very specific situation. For example, I derived much more value from the fitness expert who focused only on “skinny guys looking to put on muscle” as opposed to a generic health coach who tried to speak to everyone. There’s also the common wisdom of “trying to help everyone helps no one” and “trying to please everyone pleases no one.”
Myself having benefited most from extremely niched content that spoke to me very directly, I decided to do the same and really hammer down to the topic that I knew the best, which is my own experience as a Deconverted Man. There are plenty of deconstruction/deconversion content providers out there who speak to everyone. They’re doing a great job. Me, I’m going to hone in a bit and really dive into some topics that are a little tougher for the general crowd-pleasers to cover. Here are some examples:
The most obvious example is that I do not shy away from discussing relationships, sex, dating, and marriage—all of which were huge topics while in the Church and are usually affected or changed by deconversion. Since I’m male and experience these things from a male perspective, that’s what I feel qualified to speak on. I really hone in on male sexual health. I also discuss marriage and divorce from the male perspective, both of which are huge topics in the faith deconstruction realm. I also discuss dating after deconversion, which can be a massive paradigm shift for single, recently Deconverted Men.
I also feel it’s important to talk about the negative effects that purity culture has on young men because they are far from immune from these damaging teachings. Also, the last person a deconstructing woman leaving purity culture usually wants to listen to about purity culture is yet another man (and she’s right).
I also talk a lot about the common situation of losing your friends and community after deconverting. Male friendships can look very different from female friendships, so I tackle it from the male perspective, particularly when it comes to how to build a new (and better) community of friends and what kinds of mentors are best to seek out after leaving religion.
I also discuss mens health because gone are the days of believing God took care of us. I discuss the value of physical strength and mental strength after a lifetime of thinking all strength comes from God and the value of monitoring and maintaining testosterone, which in my opinion is an important aspect of positive masculinity.
All of this being said, women are of course welcome to read along. After all, there are many shared experiences in the world of deconversion. I’ve received comments and DMs from women who enjoy my content and that’s fantastic. Women who better understand these issues from a male perspective can only increase unity and decrease division.
All in all, The Deconverted Man—both the book and blog—is here to be a resource created by men for men who prefer a safe place to discuss the topics that may be a bit too niched or sensitive for a general Facebook group or social media. When I was in the Church, I remember how much more comfortable I felt speaking up in my mens small group. The same concept of a mens group can be very beneficial during the deconstruction process. That is what my work here aims to be.