September 6, 2021
One big thing that pisses me off about the Church and Church culture is all the emphasis on “God’s timing.”
When I was still a believer, I was very serious about “God’s timing.” If I was meant to have something then God would bring it into my life. If I wasn’t meant to have something, then God would not bring it into my life. Even if I desperately wanted that thing, I just allowed myself to believe that God knew better. I talk more about this harmful belief system in my article Waiting on God.
One major area where Christians love to talk about “God’s timing” is relationships. That is, when it’s time for you to meet “the one” then God will bring that person into your life.
Even after leaving the Church and finally realizing there’s no such thing as “God’s timing” and that you can bring things into your life (and kick things out of your life) anytime you want, there’s still a penchant for Deconverted Men to continue leaving their relationships completely up to chance. Functionally, it looks no different from waiting on “God’s timing.”
And it doesn’t have to be that way.
When I still went to church, I was always amazed when the girls went through “seasons” of “only dating Jesus.” That meant they were putting up a conscious wall in their minds to deflect and turn down every request for a first date they got for a period of time because, well, that’s just what they wanted to do.
For the guys, it was a little different. We didn’t really have the luxury of just deciding to stop dating. Why? Because we were always taught that relationships were scarce, and when a “good, church girl” showed interest, we had to run with it because there was no telling how long it would be until another “good, church girl” came along. Maybe never. With the girls, they were getting asked out literally all the time. They understood that relationships were abundant.
On the other side of religion, men can still fall into the trap of thinking relationships and potential partners are scarce. With that kind of thinking, men tend to jump into relationships with the first girl who comes along and shows some interest because they’re unsure of when that’ll happen again. They think, “Eh, I’m not totally ready for a relationship right now, but she’s cool and I might not find someone else like her, so what the hell.”
And in my opinion, this is not a great way to approach your relationships.
I’ve written before about how the church urges men to get married way too young. This quite often creates marriages that are needlessly difficult because the couple was way too young for such a commitment. Instead, I recommend that men in particular spend a considerable amount of time investing in themselves first before taking on a partner or spouse. Once you’ve established yourself—have a job or other income sources, are on top of your health, you’ve developed some quality hobbies, you have a strong a friend group, and perhaps have even done some traveling—then you’ll be a more well-rounded man who will make a better partner.
For more information on this, read my article 4 Reasons Men Should Delay Marriage.
But in order to do that, you need to be able to do the same thing that the girls in the Church did. You need to be able to put up a conscious wall and say, “Thank you for your interest, but I’m not ready yet.” I write more about this mindset in my article Was Your Decision to Get Married a Conscious One?
Which can be very hard for a man in the modern era to do. We’ve just been way too programmed to believe that relationships and quality partners are scarce, and that just isn’t true. Even if you live in a moderate-sized city, there are perhaps dozens of people who’d make fantastic partners for you right now should you meet them and invest into the relationship within a five-mile radius of where you’re sitting right now. Think about that. There’s literally no reason to ever believe that relationships and potential romantic partners are scarce.
The reverse of this also works. Say you’ve kept yourself uncommitted to serious and long-term relationships in favor of building yourself, after which you decide you’re finally ready. You can then make some slight adjustments in your life to intentionally put yourself in new situations that increase the odds you’ll meet potential partners. That could mean making it a point to go out to restaurants or bars on Friday nights. It could mean joining dancing classes. It could mean simply going out of your way to ask your friends if they know anyone single who they think might be a good match for you.
I know the idea of “serendipity” when it comes to relationships can be romantic, but that concept isn’t much different from “God’s timing.” And I know I want nothing to do with “God’s timing” or anything like it. I prefer to guide and direct my own life as much as I can. That includes matters such as relationships where I’ve been told for a long time that I should leave it up to “serendipity” or “God’s timing.”