September 19, 2022
I’ve said it many times before: leaving religion often means losing your friends. While this is challenging and painful, it’s also normal, unfortunately.
Your social life is one of your seven life areas that are damaged when you leave fundamentalist religion. Therefore, part of the process of recovery from this is to rebuild your social life. I’ve written articles before guiding you on how best to do this and what worked for me. I also cover it in my book.
One benefit of starting basically from scratch when it comes to your social life is that you get to choose who to bring into your circle. Now more than ever, you’re likely realizing that the church friends who you thought would be there for you no matter what were not that at all. It’s likely that the only reason y’all became friends in the first place was because of a shared proximity—caught up in the same microcosm of Church culture.
Now that you’re out of that, you can be a lot more intentional about who you bring into your life. And you should be intentional about who you choose to spend time with. I’ve written before about the importance of this in my article Your Friends Determine the Direction and Quality of Your Life.
With that being said, who are the best kinds of men to seek out to become friends with? Let’s explore:
Men Who Have Active, Full Lives
Essentially, men who have shit going on.
Maybe they run their own business. Maybe they have several interesting hobbies. Maybe they travel a lot for recreational purposes. Whatever it is, these are men who lead lives that are full and active.
Why seek out these types of men? For several reasons.
They’re interesting. They have a lot going on and can teach you new things. They can introduce you to new experiences. Also, they tend to be successful. If you’re looking to make some changes in your life, these are the types of men who can help you do that, or encourage you to do so. If you get close enough to these guys, then they’ll probably invite you into some of their fun and interesting activities.
Men like this also tend to be happier than your average person. It’s hard not to be when most things in their lives are going right and according to plan. And some of the best people you can hang out with after a painful deconversion from religion are positive, upbeat people on an upward trajectory. Energy rubs off, both positive and negative. You’d do well to be around individuals exuding positive energy.
There is a pitfall with these kinds of men: they can be hard to pin down. They have a lot going on, after all. However, because of that, you can be sure that any time they spend with you they actually want to spend with you. When you were in the church, your friends there just kind of came together every Sunday like a bunch of programmed robots. It took you leaving your church for you to realize that they weren’t real friends. When it comes to guys who have a bunch of stuff going on in their lives, they don’t have time to hang out with people who they don’t want to see.
Men You Can Learn From
This could be men who are successful in business, men who are artists, or really any man who has achieved something that you want to achieve.
These are the types of men who can help you learn how to live the life you want to live. They can show you what’s possible and give you the guidance and advice that you need.
I’ve written before about how important mentorship is. The best way to learn something new and complex is to learn from someone who has mastered something that you would also like to master.
Speaking personally, after my faith deconstruction I met and made friends with a guy who was an expert in self defense. Self defense was something I’d always wanted to learn and had been putting off. After we started hanging out regularly, I asked him if he would show me a thing or two. He got excited about the prospect. We went to the park and started sparring.
Men Who Have Never Been Religious
These are men who’ve never been caught up in any religion whatsoever. They might not understand it at all and they don’t really want to. That can be a good thing.
They can provide you with a fresh perspective. They can help you see things that you never would have seen before. And, most importantly, they can help you see that there is another way to live. A way that is not ruled by religion.
Men who have never gotten caught up in religion oftentimes are able to see the world for what it is, and it just seems so obvious to them. Hanging out with these guys and talking to them can help you reorient the way you see the world faster than you might have been able to on your own.
Conclusion
These are three types of men who can be positive influences in your life after leaving religion: men who have active and full lives, men who you can learn from, and men who were lucky enough to have avoided the trap of religion altogether.
If you left religion and are focusing on actively rebuilding your social life, then I’d recommend you seek out these types of men. They can help you find your way while providing positive companionship.