December 20, 2021
I’ve written before about how when I was still a Christian during my college years, I was very involved with my church’s youth ministry as a youth leader. One of the other youth leaders—who I’m still friends with today—had a saying that he’d repeat over and over again to the middle and high school kids:
“Your friends determine the quality and direction of your life.”
It sounds like a quote from a motivational speaker. I googled it before writing this article and I couldn’t immediately find any attributions. As far as I know, my friend came up with this. That, or he heard it from some popular Christian teacher (this is probably the case). I wrote about this same friend and this same quote in my book in the chapter about rebuilding your social life after leaving religion.
This seems like an obvious thing to say to young people. At that age when kids are rapidly learning and growing and figuring out who they’re going to be for the rest of their lives, their friends and the people they hang out with the most have a big influence in determining the paths they take in the future. We as youth leaders spent a lot of time instilling into these kids the wisdom of not hanging out with the “wrong” people. In theory, the “right” people were kids who didn’t do “wrong” things. Wrong was, of course, defined by whatever was displeasing to God.
I included the quote in my book because it’s still important, even after we’re no longer teenagers. Why does this quote still apply to people who are older? And why is it especially valuable for people who are coming out of a difficult deconversion from religion?
Because if you’re going through a rough patch in life (most people who deconstruct and deconvert can be described as going through a rough patch, which is putting it lightly) then your friends and social circle are an invaluable tool for getting back onto your feet and moving in the right direction.
To be clear, it is ultimately your responsibility to heal and move on from a painful deconstruction, and no friend or friend group can or should be expected to do that for you. But a quality social circle can help you in numerous ways.
In my opinion, we only truly know how adept we are at building social circles for ourselves when we’re older. Most people experience a natural narrowing of their friend groups as they age—it’s a combination of people drifting away due to life circumstances, shifting interests and goals, and maybe a few people growing up to be assholes who we don’t want to associate with anymore.
When you’re younger, making friends is easy. You pretty much just make friends with people at school and church and call it a day. When you go to college, you make friends with people in your classes or your dorm, and also call it a day.
As an adult, you aren’t really exposed to these kinds of situations anymore. For most people, their life consists of work and home. It’s nice to be friendly with people at the workplace, but depending on where you work, you may not want to meet these people for evening drinks or spend time with them on the weekends.
Therefore, as an adult, building a social circle (especially from scratch) becomes an act of effort and intention. You can’t just passively acquire friends simply because y’all are taking the same class or attending the same church. You often have to intentionally break your routine and put yourself in a situation where you meet new people, then open up to these strangers, and then invest time in hanging out with and getting to know them.
It’s a lot. Even just writing that exhausted me. As a natural introvert, everything about what I just said sounds like a massive pain in the ass. However, I still do believe that being able to go out and build an intentional social circle is a valuable skill to hone—especially for those who may have lost their social circle due to deconversion.
Here are some of the “right” kinds of people who can positively influence the quality and direction of your life after religion:
- People who never spent a single day of their lives in church or caring about religion. They aren’t angry at the Church and they’ve spent their lives investing in themselves rather than God.
- People who have developed interesting hobbies that also interest you.
- People who have found success in something who can be a good mentor for you.
- People who have built strong romantic relationships without God or the Church playing a role in their relationship.
- People who are optimistic about the world and the future. This is especially valuable in today’s modern era where everyone is constantly at each other’s throats over every little issue.
- People who have a strong Mission for their lives and are working every single day to bring it to fruition.
These are just a few examples. The truth is that the world is vast and wide and full of all kinds of unique and interesting individuals. When you associate with people who can be described as the things on the list above, it will have a positive impact on you, usually on a subconscious level. When you’re going through a painful deconversion, it’s beneficial to get good vibes and good energy from as many places as you can, and one of the best sources of good vibes and good energy are people who exude them.
So when and if you feel ready, take some time to prioritize going out into the world and rebuilding a quality social life to replace the one you lost when you left the Church. Surrounding yourself with good people can give you the boost you need to accelerate your rebuilding and move you closer to living a new and better life post-religion.