September 27, 2021
Today I’m going to talk about a lyric in one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite singers, Jason Isbell. I doubt Isbell is the first person to say it, but he’s the first person to communicate the message to me in a way that stuck with me:
“My daddy told me and I believe he told me true
That the right thing’s always the hardest thing to do.”
Isbell’s daddy was right.
How many times have you been faced with a difficult decision in your life and you didn’t know what to do? The older you are, the more likely it is that you’ve found yourself at such a crossroad, and probably more often.
Looking back, how unsure were you really about what was the right thing to do? You probably knew exactly what you needed to do. The problem was that actually doing it was emotionally hard. Here are some common examples:
- Leaving a job that’s easy and well-paying, but doesn’t serve you anymore.
- Ending a relationship that’s comfortable, but isn’t benefiting either party anymore.
- Renouncing religious beliefs that you’ve always held close, but now know in your heart aren’t true.
I’d argue that in most difficult circumstances, people already know what they need to do without much deliberation. They think they’re deliberating with themselves, but really they’re just frozen in fear.
They procrastinate by asking friends or loved ones for advice. They do this in hopes of uncovering a third, less painful option. The uninvolved third party will usually tell them what they already know: the hard thing is the right thing to do.
If you’ve deconverted from your fundamentalist religion, you’ve been through this. If you’re bordering on deconversion, then you’ll go through this soon.
The tricky part about difficult decisions is it seems like both choices are emotionally “hard.” But if you focus on the issue for a bit longer, you’ll realize that one option is “less hard” than the other. Compared to the “hard” option, the “less hard” option is easier.
Consider a man who no longer believes that Jesus is the son of God or that God even exists at all. For him, going to church is hard because he feels disingenuous singing worship songs and listening to sermons. But he’s convinced himself it’s the right thing because it’s hard.
Not true. It’s actually the “less hard” choice and he’s taking the easy way out. The hard choice—the right one—is to stop attending church and begin living his life as an agnostic or an atheist. This is hard because he’ll face many repercussions: losing his community of friends, having his family get mad at him, or—if he works for the church—losing his job.
I’ve noticed that the main reason people (myself included) so often choose the “less hard” option is because it keeps the peace around them. It means you don’t have to disappoint anyone.
However, keeping the peace around you often comes from a place of making the people around you happy at the expense of your own happiness. If you’re not careful, choosing the “less hard” option in difficult situations becomes an easy habit to fall into. I myself have done my fair share of peace-keeping and people-pleasing at the expense of my own happiness and desires. I actually learned this trait from spending so much of my life in the church.
Therefore, I believe that confidently making difficult decisions and consistently choosing the hard/right option is a life skill that needs to be practiced and developed. This is doubly true for recently Deconverted Men who likely still have church-instilled people-pleasing rooted deep inside them.
Making the right choice is easier when you have a strong life Mission in place for yourself. You can analyze almost all of your decisions now and in the future alongside your Mission and ask yourself: “Which option furthers my Mission?” Often, the “less hard” choice will oppose the progress of your Mission, so you’ll quickly know that you shouldn’t entertain that option anymore.
If you haven’t formulated a clear Mission yet, then you can still begin practicing the life skill of making difficult decisions today. Take a contemplative look at your life right now. Be brutally honest with yourself about any circumstances that are less than optimal or that you flat-out don’t like. Did you end up in those circumstances because you chose the “less hard” choice? Were you trying to keep the peace with your family, friends, church, or girlfriend? Were you people pleasing?
The next time you come face-to-face with a difficult decision in the future, remember this article. Bookmark it and refer back to it then. If you’re asking yourself “what should I do” then the answer is this:
The right thing is often the hardest thing to do.