Quick Rebounds in Christian Relationships

January 17, 2022

Not too long ago, a good friend and I were reminiscing about our trip to summit Mount Kilimanjaro. He and I and our other friends made up about half the trekking group while the rest were strangers. Among those strangers were three guys who we got to know over the course of the trip who were all very cool.

As my friend and I were discussing these memories, we remembered what one of those guys told us one day. He was only twenty-five years old and he’d been dating a girl in a very serious relationship for about six years before they broke up. A month later, he met a new girl and they’d been together for three months and they were already buying a house together. When I heard that, I couldn’t help but think how that was very likely going to be a total fucking disaster for him.

My friend and I spent about five seconds wondering whatever became of that situation. We probably already know. If it hasn’t blown up in that guy’s face yet, then it probably will eventually.

The whole conversation got me thinking about “rebounds” and how Christians steeped in Church culture really, really love them.

I feel like the term “rebound” is a bit dated these days, but the concept still exists. However, with the increasing awareness of the importance of mental health and healing, I do think people are, in general, becoming more comfortable with remaining single for longer after a bad breakup. But for a while, that wasn’t necessarily the case. After a breakup happened, the goal for most people was to get into a new relationship as fast as friggin’ possible.

Back when I was in the Church, I used to think “rebounds” happened more often in the secular world. Non-religious people who’d been married for a long time or dated for a long time would break up and then to feel better, they’d go and sleep with someone else as quickly as possible. Whether or not that’s an effective method of moving on is up for debate, I suppose, but the point is that despite my thoughts that rebounds were for non-religious couples, I slowly started to realize that Christians do rebounds just as much (or more).

Except the problem is that since there’s no casual sex allowed in the Church and all dating must be for the purpose of marriage, rebounds become a little more complicated. We can say that sleeping with someone else quickly after a breakup as a means to feel better is possibly unwise, but I’d much prefer someone do that than do what Christians do, which is to immediately start seriously dating someone after a breakup.

When I was still in the Church, there were many long-term Christian couples who’d been together for something like six or seven years. Pretty much everyone thought it was a forgone conclusion that they’d get married, and many people were jealous that these people had been lucky enough to find “the one” in high school. But of these couples that abruptly broke up after a long time dating, I’d estimate roughly 90% of the time, at least one person in that couple immediately began seriously dating somebody else.

There’s the dumbass concept of “winning the breakup” which essentially means the first person to feel better, get over it, and start dating someone new “wins.” These days, I think the opposite is true: the person who starts a new relationship way too soon is usually asking for problems down the line.

But it seems to me these Christians were very concerned with “winning” the breakup because there was more at stake than simply “winning.” To them, relationships are chosen and designed by God. By moving on fast to someone new, it demonstrates to everyone that they are “living God’s plan” or that they are “blessed” or that “their prayers were answered.”

This happened to a good friend of mine. His high school girlfriend of several years blindsided him with a breakup after our first semester of freshman year in college. She almost immediately started dating a guy who, back then, we considered to be a “douche bag.” You know the type. He definitely wasn’t the kind of guy you’d bring around church for a visit. I guess she had some stuff she needed to get out of her system.

Because God is so involved, hardly anyone in the church really questions it. They too chalk it up to “a God thing” and are completely supportive when the couple announces they’re engaged after dating for three months, after leaving their last relationship three and a half months ago.

I was admittedly a bit naive back then. It never occurred to me that perhaps the person who moved on quickly had already begun an emotional affair with the new person before breaking up with their current partner. I used to think that we as Christians were always on the same exact page in regards to what was acceptable behavior to God and for ourselves and what was not. But not only is that clearly not true, it’s impossible for it be true.