December 7, 2020
I’ve written before about making sure that your happiness is built upon solid ground, which essentially says not to place all your happiness on external things that can easily leave your life. Today’s topic is an extension of that one. In this article, I’ll talk about attachments.
It may be silly to define the word “attachment” but I think doing so would be helpful. An attachment is an external piece that connects to the main body of an item or object. The attachment enhances the function of the item, but isn’t necessary for the item to work. If something is considered an attachment, that implies that it can be removed and the item will still work without it.
What I’ve just described is using terms associated with gadgets and items. This concept of attachments can also be translated to your life. If you consider yourself as the main body or object, then attachments are anything else you add into your life that enhances quality and enjoyment.
The seven life areas for men that I describe in my book are not attachments. They are key elements inside of you that need to be nurtured, fulfilled, and optimized. The specific things you engage in while nurturing, fulfilling, and optimizing your Seven Life Areas are attachments. Here are some examples:
- Your social life is not an attachment. Your friends Bret and Steve are attachments.
- Your relationships are not an attachment. Your girlfriend Jenny is an attachment.
- Your money is not an attachment. Your job as a lawyer as your primary income source is an attachment.
When Bret and Steve move away, you haven’t detached from the need for a social life. Rather, Bret and Steve have detached and you can attach on new friends.
When Jenny breaks up with you, you haven’t detached from your need for relationships. Rather, Jenny has detached and you can attach a new girlfriend.
When your law firm lays you off, you haven’t detached from the need for money. Rather, your role as a lawyer at that particular company has detached and you can attach a new job somewhere else.
You’ll run into problems when you start thinking your attachments are vital to your happiness. They aren’t. An attachment—whatever it is—will satisfy the life area that it falls under, which contributes to your happiness. But when something or someone detaches from your life and drifts away, you need to have the awareness to rest assured that the affected life area isn’t “over” or “destroyed” or “never coming back.”
This is a vital life skill that I think improves with age. However, if you are aware of how this works, then you can come to terms with this reality sooner rather than later, which will do wonders in increasing your happiness now.
The reason you need to develop this outlook is because the attachments in your life will separate from you and drift off at some point. That’s called life, and all of life is change. When you can recognize this and accept it long beforehand, it allows you to enjoy the attachment while you have it and to better cope and recover when it’s gone.
- At some point, your friends will either move away, piss you off, or find other friends.
- At some point, your girlfriend (or even your wife) will break up with you for whatever reason.
- At some point, your job will no longer be viable, whether because of downsizing, your employer going out of business, or simply because you’re tired of it and would like a change.
When a particular attachment in your life drifts away, there is no need to fall into a deep sadness or depression. Instead, you allow yourself to feel the small amount of sadness that is appropriate, nod your head, accept it, and spend some time later that day or the next week celebrating what that particular attachment (friend, girlfriend, job) taught you, gave you, and how it enriched you. Then you let it go, place it in your past, and fondly remember it whenever it pops into your head.
This whole concept flows into one of the biggest attachments that most people hold onto as if it were permanent, and likely the reason you found yourself on this website in the first place—the attachments in your spirituality.
Your spirituality is one of the seven life areas I describe in my book. Examples of common attachments are: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Catholicism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Scientology, Atheism, New Age Spirituality, and many more.
People have a very hard time seeing these things as attachments. I understand why. Many of these particular attachments claim to give you all the answers and explain all of life’s unknowable questions. Some of them even have punishments if you ever decide to detach them from your spirituality.
You’re likely here because you have detached whatever was feeding your spirituality (probably fundamentalist Christianity). Detaching something like this has the tendency to forcibly and tragically detach some other things in your life—your friends, your job if you worked for the church, and maybe even your girlfriend or spouse.
Your life areas that were affected by your deconversion—your social life, your money, your relationships, etc.—are not “over” or “destroyed” or “never coming back.” Not at all. You’ve simply lost the attachments that will no longer serve you and your life.
A big part of rebuilding your life after deconversion from your religion is finding the new attachments that serve you better. These new attachments reflect your growth and change, and any type of growth and change in your life is good, even if it involves some pain.