April 5, 2021
When a man deconverts from his fundamentalist religion, one of the seven life areas that gets damaged is his social life. I’ve discussed this both here and in my book. Many Deconverted Men are in for an unpleasant surprise when they realize their church friends that they thought would be there forever no longer return their phone calls or texts. Since he’s betrayed the religion, they fear that associating with him will cause them to struggle in their own faith.
I went through this myself during my own deconversion. This left me having to rebuild my social circle almost from scratch, usually with men who’d never stepped foot inside a church their entire lives.
What I learned is that there is a massive difference between a social life filled with men in the Church and a social life filled with men who were never involved with Church.
When I first started hanging out with guys that hadn’t spent a single second of their lives inside a Church, the first thing I noticed was that these guys delighted in ripping the absolute shit out of each other.
It was brutal. It still is brutal when we all hang out. And I love it.
Why?
This verbal sparring is meant to help you grow.
This is never explicitly stated, of course. No one introduces the new guy in town to his group of friends and says, “Now Jim, just so you’re aware, everyone here is going to give you shit about things. We’re not doing this to be mean, but to help you grow.”
The whole point of the ritual is test your strength and resolve and point your attention toward areas of potential improvement. After all, the first step to any kind of self improvement is becoming aware of the problem.
- When your group of friends makes fun of you for the way your girlfriend openly flirts with other men, they’re subtly telling you to consider ending the relationship.
- When your group of friends calls you out for exaggerating your stories or accomplishments, they’re subtly telling you to come back down to Earth.
- When your group of friends makes fun of you for being afraid to talk to a girl you find attractive, they’re actually giving you the fire to get up and do it. They’re making it more uncomfortable for you to sit there with them as opposed to walking over and saying hi.
Most people don’t react well when someone pulls you aside and directly tells you with a stern tone of voice that you’re doing something wrong, or that some aspect of your behavior is annoying everyone else, or that someone in your life is screwing you over right in front of your nose. Therefore, your group of guy friends will do this with a light-hearted tone, make a joke out of it, laugh about it, and then move on. The purpose of this jibe is to make you aware. The joking tone is to lessen the blow.
So if your friends rip your ass about something on a night out, then it’s probably something you should self reflect on.
These jibes don’t stop at things you can change and control. Sometimes you’ll get the shit ripped out of you for things you can’t control.
- Having big ears.
- Being short.
- Thinning hair.
It may seem cruel for guys to rip their friends about things they can’t control, but the entire point is to thicken their skin and force them to own it.
Because if you act offended or upset for even a second, it’s like blood in the water. Guys will continue to stab at that wound until you learn to own it. Because as long as something you can’t control is bringing you down, you’ll never be your best. The only way to handle such a thing is to own it, integrate it, and make it a part of who you are.
Here’s an example. I have a buddy who has six toes on each foot. You can bet we give him tons of shit about that. What does he do? He laughs and makes it a point to wear flip flops as much as possible.
Social circles of men in the Church only think they help each other grow, but they don’t. They only use fear and shame to keep each other in line and following all the rules of the church. This all falls under the umbrella term of “accountability.” Accountability is a tidy Christianese term that means you’re supposed to report to your friends when you masturbate.
Further, men in the Church pride themselves on being “nice” and “proper” and would find it impolite or even sinful to make their friends the butt of a joke. The paradox is fascinating. By never being anything except for encouraging, edifying, or graceful, they never actually spur forth any real growth for their friends.
What about you? How were your new friends outside of the Church different from the friends who you had when you still believed? Let me know in the comments!