January 11, 2021
This article is part of an ongoing series where I break down the 7 life areas and give examples of how religion damages them. Deconverting is more than simply ceasing to believe in dogma; it’s about clearing away the Church’s leftover teachings from all aspects of your life.
In this article, I’ll discuss three ways that fundamentalist religion damages your family.
Family can mean one of two things: your parents and siblings, or if you have your own family, your spouse and children. This article will address your parents and siblings.
Spouse and children will be discussed in Part 2.
1. There’s a false idea of what a healthy family looks like.
The church I went to was filled with families that looked like they’d been created in a lab. They all looked the same, acted the same, and talked the same. Sometimes they even dressed the same, purposely coordinating their clothes for church. To me, it looked like they were putting on a show for the whole congregation.
The problem with this presentation is that, very often, it’s false. The family is trying to communicate the message to their pastor and fellow church members that they’re stable, have it all together, and that everything is fine. Often, this isn’t true at all.
Underneath that perfect exterior are the common problems that plague families across the world—arguments, financial problems, rebellious kids, abuse, spouses who no longer love each other, and much more. The church doesn’t allow room to bring these issues to the surface in seek of help because to admit these issues is to somehow admit failure to achieve the church ideal.
When God is supposed to be in charge, then the family unit should be perfect. To admit there’s a problem could be to suggest that the spiritual head of the household—the father—isn’t quite the spiritual head that he wants others to believe he is. That would be a blight on his reputation within the church, particularly if he holds a leadership position within the church.
2. Promotes unhealthy practices and behaviors.
Although a picturesque church family could look pristine on the outside, they’re often hotbeds of damaging and traumatic religious practices:
- Domineering father
- Submissive mother
- Stifling and unreasonable rules placed upon the kids
- Strict and severe punishments for broken rules
- Isolation from the outside world, particularly when children are sheltered and homeschooled
In a way, the family becomes its own little military boot camp, prison, or cult.
Children raised in his manner come to think it’s normal and internalize a ton of untrue dogma and damaging beliefs about themselves. Meanwhile, the patriarchal father reigns supreme, demanding an unearned respect as the “spiritual head of the household” which he thinks means ruling his family with an iron fist.
Perhaps the most chilling example of this is when fathers get way too involved in raising their daughters in purity culture and insert themselves inappropriately into matters such as their daughter’s sexuality, virginity, and freedom to date.
3. Leaving religion massively damages the familial relationships.
Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of leaving religion is the damage it causes on your family.
Some of the most difficult deconversion stories I’ve heard are the ones where people finally had to come clean with their still-believing parents and siblings about how they no longer believed.
Often, once this happens, the familial relationships are never the same again.
Some people who’ve deconverted are fine with this. Their relationships with their family weren’t great anyway, so they’re happy to continue on living their own lives without them. Others, however, have a really hard time feeling like they’re no longer accepted by their parents and siblings.
When it comes to your family during your deconversion, the stakes are raised. If you lose your friends during your deconversion, you can always make more. You can’t make more family.
This is an unfortunate reality of religious families that I wish wasn’t true. No one deserves to be alienated from their family simply because of different religious beliefs. It’s hard for me to think of a more cruel punishment.
Unfortunately, it’s a reality, and one that most Deconverted Men must deal with at some point in their journey.
Do any of these points describe you during your time in fundamentalism? Or maybe it was something that I didn’t mention here? Let me know in the comments!
I’m not a man, but I loved this post! When I began to deconstruct most of my family abandoned me when I didn’t give into their pressure to agree with their interpretations of God any longer. This was so hard for them and me! I have always been very compliant so it was out of character for me. They thought I just woke up and decided one day to leave the beliefs is always been taught were true. But that’s not what happened. After much thought and study and conversations, I had been convinced that I had believed a lot of lies in fundamental Christianity. It really just hit me why this is so painful, “When it comes to your family during your deconversion, the stakes are raised. If you lose your friends during your deconversion, you can always make more. You can’t make more family.” They forget you and your character and erase you. Your beliefs were all that held you dear to them. And that is a hard pill to swallow. Thank you for this post. It’s good to know we’re not alone.
I’m sorry you went through this. It’s always hard to hear when someone who has deconstructed loses some or all of their family in their journey to find the truth. It isn’t fair, but unfortunately, it’s a reality of deconversion. Thank you for sharing your story.