March 31, 2022
I’ve written before how men are also victimized by the damaging teachings of purity culture. I first examined this in my article 3 Ways Purity Culture Harms Men and then again in 3 MORE Ways Purity Culture Harms Men.
But why stop there? There’s still more to discuss. Here are three EVEN MORE ways purity culture harms men.
It teaches men that their worth is tied up with their sexual purity
Yes, it’s the same damaging message that’s told to women who were raised in purity culture; it happens in reverse as well.
Men are told that a huge part of their worth comes from the fact that they’ve avoided sexual sin. For men, it’s lauded as a huge accomplishment to resist any kind of sexual temptation because Christians think it’s “harder” for men to do this.
And so few young, Christian men make it through their formative years without “failing” in this area of their lives.
Young men who do struggle with lust and/or pornography will often feel like insatiable perverts or weak. Every time they fail in this gargantuan endeavor, they’ll feel like they’ve displeased God or that God is unhappy with them. Many men also feel like they’ve failed their future spouse. These feelings will dump a heaping amount of shame upon them.
Although pastors who teach these things always say it’s okay for men to come forward and confess when they’re experiencing sexual temptation, it’s not often well-received when young men actually confess their sexual actions. These confessions are almost always met with shame and discipline. Therefore, all the young men in the youth group keep their mouths shut. No one speaks up. This silence leads many to believe that perhaps they’re the only ones struggling, and that maybe all their peers have their shit together and are resisting all sexual temptation.
As can be expected, most Christian men will go through this. Why? Because a developing sexuality is normal, natural, and healthy, and that is exactly what these “temptations” are.
Men who are gay, bi, or trans get no support
These lifestyles and orientations are considered sinful to the Church. Therefore, during sermons and Bible studies that are sex-focused, young men who are outside the heterosexual realm in any way will literally never be addressed.
Should a young man actually feel brave enough to approach his pastor and say that he has feelings that are outside what is considered normal by the church, he will likely be told that it’s wrong, sinful, pray it away, suppress it, and that he needs to change immediately.
Young men in these categories will find literally no mentors within the Church to have honest and constructive conversations with about these experiences when it could be argued that these are the young men who will have the most need for positive mentors and role models.
The standards for future partners are set too high
Throughout their years in the Church, men are constantly told to “just hang on till marriage” and are given the idea (whether explicitly or implicitly) that their spouse will somehow literally satisfy all their sexual needs.
This rarely happens.
Not only does this mentality promote and enable unhealthy sexual relationships, it also ensures that these young men will judge potential partners based on their sexual purity. Men who somehow make it deep into their lives as a virgin will often subconsciously feel they “deserve” a wife who is also a virgin. It can lead them to cast extreme and unfair judgement on women who did not fit their criteria.
When these men do get married, they often have unrealistic expectations for their new wife. They need their wife to be the “good, church girl” while simultaneously—at the flip of a switch—being capable of fulfilling each and every one of his sexual desires and fantasies (of which many have likely accumulated after a lifetime of abstinence). This ends up being an impossible ideal.
This of course leads to stress in the marriage that was put there needlessly because of bunch of old church people were far too concerned about what other people did with their own genitals.
Conclusion
Purity Culture does not work. It harms both men and women, and will continue to do so until people wake up and start questioning what is being taught. Thankfully, this is happening more and more.
The Church needs to drop its obsession over sex and leave the sex education to the actual experts. But will it? Not likely. Thankfully there is more awareness of the harms of Purity Culture and, with that awareness, a shift in seeing fewer young people affected by it since many young people are declining to get involved in the Church at all.