When Christians Complain About Their Hard Marriage

March 25, 2021

I don’t spend much time on Facebook anymore, but when I do, some of my favorite posts to read are wedding anniversary posts from people I knew back in my Christian days.

Why?

Because they’re the most awkward, cringe-worthy train wreck monologues you could ever hope to read (the posts, not the people). They’re morbidly entertaining.

They go something like this:

“Oh boy. I always heard marriage was hard, but I didn’t realize it would be HARD. There have been some high highs and TONS of really, really low lows.

But you know what, babe? We always get through it, don’t we? There may be some shouting, some tears, and some hurt feelings along the way, but in the end, one of us eventually realizes the other was right (sorry I can be so stubborn! LOL! *Crying laughing emoji*)”

I love this crazy little life we’ve built. I thank God every day for bringing us together. Happy anniversary, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds!”

This post is often accompanied by some carefully handpicked pictures. Although the couple may be smiling, if you zoom into their eyes, you can see the truth.

This is a clear indication of people who got married way too early. They know it but they don’t want to admit it.

Where do Christians get this idea that marriage is supposed to be something hard that you need to endure with gritted teeth? Well, the Church teaches this.

Throughout my time in the Church, I can’t think of a single sermon or Bible study on marriage I ever heard that didn’t endlessly stress how hard marriage was.

Seriously. Some of these pastors and teachers spoke about marriage as if it were a military boot camp. They’d say things along the lines of, “It’s really hard. But it’s good. Just get through the hard times and you’ll eventually see that it’s all worth it.”

Given all this dire warning, it’s a miracle that anyone in the Church gets married at all, yet they do. I suppose these Christian couples need to so that the sex they’re already having stops being considered a sin by God.

Now that my time in the Church is far behind me, it’s easier to look back and realize the vicious circle that perpetuates. Since the Church pushes people to marry way too young, most people end up marrying the wrong person. Since they marry the wrong person, their marriage is harder than the average marriage. So when it’s time to persuade the next generation to get married too soon to the wrong person, they feel like they’re doing them a favor by warning them about the difficulty.

And since Churches are tight-knit communities with a very strong culture that demands conforming, most Christian couples won’t attempt to make their marriages less hard. They’ve grown up their whole lives being told that marriage is hard, and now that they’re in a marriage that’s hard, it doesn’t occur to them to question it. Being surrounded by a bunch of other couples with hard marriages will further encourage them to live within the status quo.

I think there’s something else to this, though. This is purely conjecture on my part, but I suspect that somewhere on a subconscious level, Christians romanticize a difficult marriage. In their minds, they have a genie God who has already preplanned their entire life for them. One big part of that preplanned life is God’s choice of a partner for them. When a marriage is constantly hard but they stay in it, that means they’re fighting to obey God. It means they’re striving to remain faithful to God’s plan.

Every difficult “season” they make it through without getting divorced is evidence of God saving them. Because if they did get divorced, then that means admitting that they were wrong about God’s plan for their life all along.

Yes, I realize it’s normal for a marriage to be hard sometimes. But it’s not supposed to be a hellish nightmare that you constantly have to fight through. If that’s the case, then you might benefit from some counseling. You may even need to end the marriage entirely.

Did people in your church ever talk about how hard marriage is supposed to be? Maybe you were in one of those hard marriages? Let me know in the comments!