June 7 , 2021
In general, the Church and Christians are obsessed with dating and marriage. Many Evangelicals feel, whether they admit it or not, that they have a huge problem on their hands if they get close to graduating college without having found a spouse or potential spouse yet.
Despite all this emphasis on dating and marriage within Christian circles, they sure do suck at it. They suck at it for many reasons, but today I’ll be talking about the Singular Church Approved Relationship Model.
If you’ve spent any time in the Church at all, then you’ll be very familiar with the Singular Church Approved Relationship Model. It goes like this:
- Step 1: Remain faithful that God will allow you to meet a good church girl.
- Step 2: Date or court that good church girl while engaging in no sexual activity whatsoever.
- Step 3: Ask the good church girl to marry you after dating her for an appropriate amount of time (if you wait too long, then you aren’t “committed” enough).
- Step 4: The good church girl will squeal and pretend like she didn’t see it coming, post a bunch of shit on Facebook and Instagram about it, bathe in the attention, and then start wedding planning.
After marriage, the Singular Church Approved Relationship Model continues as such:
- One man, one woman
- Sexually monogamous
- Legally-married
- Stay married until you die
The Singular Church Approved Relationship Model is less than ideal because everyone within the Church was expected to fit themselves into the SCARM no matter what. Any deviations from the SCARM were considered sinful or not approved of by God or the Bible. Also, any desires that you secretly harbored that lay outside the model were a heart problem or a thought life problem that needed to be addressed immediately.
The problem with the SCARM is that it excludes pretty much everyone else:
- The most obvious is that there’s no acceptance or space made for same-sex relationships.
- There is no acceptance or space made for those who prefer to be non-monogamous so that both partners are given the freedom to explore.
- There is no acceptance or space made for polyamorous people.
- There is no acceptance or space made for people who don’t want to be in a relationship at all (people in the Church who remain single for the long-term, especially men, are viewed with a certain level of distrust and discomfort, as I discussed here).
- There is no acceptance or space made for those who prefer to skip the whole legal aspect of their relationship and simply remain life partners instead of getting an official marriage license.
Another big issue with the SCARM is that, although it’s emphasized and lauded as the single option within the Church, it’s hardly contained to the Church at all. The SCARM has, for the longest time, been the main relationship model found in general, secular society (with less prayer and faith involved). And even there it’s still less than ideal. Why?
Because relationships and marriages just don’t last. There have even been a few studies done that clearly demonstrate how humans just aren’t built for a traditional, legal, monogamous marriage until death. But in my mind you hardly need any studies when there’s so much anecdotal evidence right in front of your face.
That model fails more often than it succeeds. All one needs to do is check the divorce rates. If divorce rates don’t convince you, then ask someone in this type of relationship or marriage if they’re truly happy and discern for an honest answer. If they are unhappy and have been so for a long time, then the model fails, even if a divorce hasn’t happened. The Church is all about preventing couples from getting divorced no matter how unhappy one or both of them are.
I also strongly suspect there are many couples out there who are forcing this standard model onto their own relationship when either one or both people in the couple would prefer something else, simply because it’s always easier to conform to the status quo. However, maintaining the status quo while deeply desiring something else for your life and relationship does not sound like a successful relationship to me.
Fortunately, society in general seems to be waking up to all this lately (all while the Church desperately continues to grasp onto the SCARM). Alternative relationship models seem to be gaining traction and people—especially those having left the Church and are on a healing journey—are slowly embracing their more authentic selves and being honest about what kind of relationship model or partner they want in their lives. This is a good thing.
What about you? Did you get caught up in the SCARM when you were in the Church? Are you still involved now or did you get out? If you’re feeling really brave and honest, maybe you’re still in a SCARM and want to try something else now that you’ve left the Church? Let me know in the comments!