May 5, 2022
Oh shit, it’s time to talk about porn!
Pretty much no practicing Christian is willing to admit this, but porn is very important in the life of a Christian man. No matter what he tells the men in his small group, he’s regularly:
- Watching porn
- Masturbating
- Lusting after the girls in church
- Having premarital sex
Yes, he’ll feel guilty about these things. Yes, he’ll repent over and over (and over and over and over). Yes, he’ll confess this to his close friends, who will encourage him to reign in this behavior and “give it to God.” He’ll try, be successful for a short time, and then fall back into his old ways. The men who he confessed to and who gave him advice are also watching porn, masturbating, and lusting after the girls in church, so who the fuck are they to give advice anyway?
Much like getting married makes sex no longer a sin, deconstructing your faith and leaving religion makes watching porn no longer a sin. After leaving religion and perhaps taking some time to get in touch with, explore, and become familiar with your own sexuality whereas you could not before, no one will really have a problem if you watch porn, provided that what you’re choosing to indulge in is legal, of course.
But… should you?
That’s a complicated question that has many different aspects to it. The answer will be different for each and every man. However, I do think there are some general guidelines that are good to think about when it comes to approaching porn as a Deconverted Man.
Is Porn Healthy For You?
Masturbation is, yes. But we’re not talking about masturbation, even though masturbation is often paired with porn. No, we’re talking about porn.
So is porn healthy for you?
In this article, I discussed how having a healthy sex life is important. Does porn help or hinder your sex life? Again, the answers vary for many.
I’d highly recommend the book Your Brain on Porn. In it, author Gary Wilson (RIP) does some great work and research on what sustained porn usage does to the human brain, and it ain’t pretty. Long-time users reported many negative effects to their sex lives, the worst being PIED (porn-induced erectile dysfunction). People who suffered from this were so desensitized to erotic images that they could not have an erection when they were with a real woman.
What About Sex?
Now that porn is “okay” and there’s no god frowning and looking over your shoulder at your computer screen, it’s important to remember that it’s also okay for you to now have sex with an actual woman, even if you’re not married to her (gasp!).
It’s a hundred times easier to fire up your laptop and look up some porn to take care of your sexual needs than it is go out and meet a woman. That can never be denied. However, like pretty much everything in life, the quick and easy solution is far from optimal, or the most satisfying or enduring.
Another nasty side effect of too much porn consumption is that when you’re getting your sexual satisfaction from a computer screen, you feel less and less desire to go out into the real world and satisfy your sexual needs in a more natural way, such as with a consenting partner. When that desire is low, you just consume more porn. It’s a vicious circle.
What About Masturbation?
I said earlier that porn and masturbation often go hand in hand (pun very intended). Many might claim that they can’t masturbate without porn, or don’t want to.
Would it be better to masturbate without porn? Considering what I said above about how sustained porn use desensitizes you, perhaps it’s worth considering if you can replace the porn with your imagination.
Do you have a fantasy that you can draw upon? Do you have a vivid memory of a sexual encounter with a real partner? Is there something you could read or listen to that arouses you that might not have the same excessive visual stimuli as porn?
Conclusion
There’s the old saying, “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.” In my mind, porn is one of those things.
No, I am not doing the same thing as your youth pastor. I’m not standing up on a stage and telling you to never look at porn (as when you were a Christian, you’ll probably do it anyway when you say you won’t). A little bit of porn every now and then isn’t going to harm you the same way a couple drinks every now and then aren’t going to kill you.
What I am saying is that now that porn is back on the table following a deconversion from religion, it’s worth taking another look at the topic and seeing if it’s something you actually need or is good for you. How much is too much for you? It’s clearly demonstrated as a very powerful substance in the book Your Brain on Porn. As with every other powerful substance (such as alcohol, drugs, etc.) it’s important to assess your relationship with it and make sure you have everything under control and well balanced.