April 11, 2022
These days, masculinity gets shit on a lot.
Particularly, it gets a ton of abuse in online deconstruction communities. Sometimes it’s fair, but other times, not so much…
Why is this the case? Because there’s a lot of unbalanced masculine energy in churches. That means the negative aspects of masculinity tend to come out and harm many others in the congregation, especially women.
It’s fair to be angry about this. I sure am. However, this is not the entire conversation. Many people try to suppress masculinity altogether after leaving the church. But is this the best thing to do? In my opinion, no. Instead of suppressing masculinity, masculinity needs to be balanced.
Balanced with what? With feminine energy.
If you haven’t already, it might be helpful read this article first to understand my view of masculinity, femininity, and masculine and feminine energy.
As I said earlier, and as I’ve explored in other articles such as the one I linked to above, masculinity and masculine energy has several positive aspects. These include, but are not limited to:
- Boldness
- Confidence
- Self-assuredness
- Leadership
- Accomplishing tasks and goals
- Self sacrifice, even including the loss of life.
Why would anyone want to suppress these things?
When masculine energy gets unbalanced and these positive traits are taken too far to the extreme, you end up with negative masculine traits. These include, but are not limited to:
- Arrogance
- Pridefulness
- Narrow-mindedness
- Not listening to others
- Harmful sexuality
- Achieving the ends no matter the means, even if it hurts a few people
I can see how people would want to suppress those things.
Here’s the thing. When you suppress masculinity as a whole just to eliminate the negative aspects of it, you also suppress the positive aspects. That, in my opinion, is suboptimal.
So how do you remove the negative aspects of masculinity while keeping the positive? By balancing masculine energy with its complement: feminine energy. When you introduce positive aspects of feminine energy to masculine energy, it creates balance in an individual that mitigates the negative aspects of both energies.
If you’re a very masculine man and have an abundance of masculine energy, there are many things you can do to balance that out:
Compassion
Other people are not pawns in your life and Mission. You can and should be gentle with others when possible. Not everyone will respond to your hard-headed approach or respect your intense hustle and grind.
Patience
It’s a very masculine thing to want to get things done now and as efficiently as possible. But hang on. What’s the rush?
Is the only reason you want to get something done now is so that you can just focus on the next thing to be done? That’s cool, but understand that the to-do list will never run out. You’ll never be “finished” (and even if you did finish, you wouldn’t be happy until you found something else to do—admit it). Could it be that the job will get done better if you pump the brakes and think a bit more about what you’re trying to accomplish?
Creativity
The whole world is not made of logic, numbers, and logistics. It’s okay to do something that doesn’t seem to tangibly enhance your life, but can still be enjoyable nonetheless. Write a song. Paint a picture. Choreograph a dance.
Nurturing
You may be a strong, badass dude, but it would serve you well to do some nurturing. Play with your nephew. Adopt a pet that requires more gentleness (such as a cat) and take care of him or her. Hell, buy a plant for your house and nurture that.
Emotions
This is a big one.
It’s okay to feel things. So many things in the Church and society in general teach men to suppress their emotions, particularly the “negative ones” and bury them inside even if they build up and burst out all at once in a messy explosion.
Forget all that. It’s bad for your mental health. Understand that it’s okay to feel things and, when you do, to pause and lean into it, explore it, be inquisitive, and make space for it. You’ll learn a lot about yourself in the process.
To learn more about my own personal journey in this area, read this article: Why I Suppressed My Emotions as a Deconverted Man
Conclusion
Instead of suppressing the positive aspects masculinity in order to eliminate the bad, seek to balance it with positive aspects of feminine energy. You can still keep your masculine edge, of course.
If you have a dominance of masculine energy (like I do) then you’ll probably still always lean in that direction. However, after reading the examples above, are you able to see how adding those things to yourself will make you a more complete person? A better, more well-rounded individual? A more balanced person? Don’t suppress. Balance. Energy seeks balance, after all.