June 13, 2022
It’s one of purity culture’s main warnings: “Casual dating is bad! You should never do it, ever!”
But is casual dating actually such a huge issue? In my opinion, no. Casual dating only causes an issue for Christians because it flies in the face of their only accepted relationship model. In reality, people date casually all the time and have a great time doing so. Many people report that they found their long-term partner or spouse by first dating them casually.
In today’s article, I’ll explore some of the most common objections the Church has against casual dating and why they’re ridiculous.
What is casual dating?
First, it’ll be helpful to determine what exactly I mean when I say “casual dating.”
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what it means because relationships can be fluid and highly variable from person to person. In general, though, casual dating is when two people aren’t committed to each other, but they’re open to seeing where things might go. They’re often going on dates and spending time together, but they’re not necessarily exclusive. They’re often conducted on a non-monogamous basis, but not always.
Even just reading that paragraph above would make any pastor or youth leader’s blood run cold. In an institution that puts so much emphasis on getting people married as fast as possible and keeping everyone (particularly women) sexually pure until marriage, the last thing they want people doing is engaging in casual dating.
Here are a few things the Church tries to claim to make casual dating look bad:
“If you date casually, you’ll be harming your future husband or wife!”
The Church claims that if you date casually now, you’ll develop habits that will make it difficult for you to carry on a serious relationship. They often imply that you’ll be incapable of being faithful to your future spouse.
This is patently ridiculous.
But really, this objection boils down to the ever-present fear that Evangelical men have that their future spouse will come into the marriage and not be a virgin.
“Couples who begin by dating casually end up with terrible relationships!”
The Church likes to cite statistics that claim couples who begin their relationships with casual dating are more likely to have unhappy marriages. But here’s the problem with this line of thinking: the Church assumes that everyone wants (or needs) a relationship that meets the Church’s standards. How presumptive of them (but we already all knew they had a bad habit of being presumptive).
What is the Church’s standard for a relationship? I’ve written in detail about it before, but essentially it’s:
- One man, one woman
- Sexually monogamous
- Legally-married
- Stay married until you die
There are countless couples all over the world who prove this statement is not true. So many people began dating casually for whatever reason (they wanted to keep their options open at the time, they were busy with their careers, they met while traveling, etc.) and then went on to become spouses or committed life partners. Not only that, these couples will often tell you that the main reason their relationship is what it is today was because they started dating casually first, and that if they had tried to pull off something super serious right at the start then they would not have stayed together long.
Here’s another thing: people who casually date tend to have more relationships than those who exclusively date with long-term intentions. Since they’ve had more relationships, they have more practice at having relationships. These people are often better off because they have more dating experience.
Yes, relationships require a skill that must be honed. They aren’t these magical things as portrayed in romantic comedy movies. Relationships take practice, and you’ll fuck it up at first. You learn from these mistakes and (hopefully) won’t repeat them in your next relationship.
“You should only date with marriage in mind!”
The Church loves to tell people that.
What do they mean by “dating with marriage in mind?” They mean you should only date someone if you can see yourself marrying them. This is terrible advice for a number of reasons:
- It’s presumptive
- It’s unrealistic
- It takes all the fun out of dating
I’ve written on this topic many times before both in my book and on this blog. Showing up to a first date with someone and already thinking about marriage sets the expectations all wrong, and puts a huge amount of pressure on the young couple. Relationships are hard enough already without trying to forcibly steer them in a predetermined direction, especially one so big as marriage.
There really is only one reason why the Church hates casual dating.
Pastors can go on and on about this, but it really only boils down to one thing: they hate the idea of people having premarital sex.
Because of their strict purity culture mindset, Evangelicals are obsessed with keeping everyone sexually pure until marriage. This is why they denounce casual dating and want everyone to “only date with marriage in mind.” It gets young people married sooner.
Conclusion
The Church’s main issue with casual dating is that it allows people to have premarital sex. They believe that if you only date with marriage in mind, then you won’t have sex until you’re married. This is a flawed way of thinking because it takes all the fun out of dating and sets unrealistic expectations for couples. There are countless happy couples who began their relationships with casual dating, and they might even tell you that it’s the best way to start a relationship.
If you’re reading this site, then it’s likely you’ve already deconstructed your faith. If that describes you, then that means you’re no longer beholden to the Church’s standards for your dating life and sex life. Casual dating might be just the thing you need after spending so much time “dating with marriage in mind.” So go ahead and give it a shot.
You might just end up finding your happily ever after.