May 12, 2022
Masculinity gets bad rap, especially in online deconstruction places, usually because they tend to combine the concepts of patriarchy and masculinity all into one. Sometimes masculinity is demonized and people might make the mistake of taking all masculinity and rounding it up to “toxic masculinity” which just isn’t the case.
If you want to root out sources of toxic masculinity within yourself or embrace the masculine energy that’s latent within you, then one of the best things you can do is deconstruct masculinity itself. As I always say: if you can deconstruct your faith, then you can deconstruct everything else.
As you’ve likely learned by now after you’ve deconstructed your faith, it pays to take things apart—particularly things you’ve believed for a long time or were taught were true a long time ago that you’ve never questioned—and carefully examine each and every aspect.
Many men who have an abundance of masculine energy and lean more toward that demeanor may have some aspects of masculinity that have long since been instilled into them at an early age that aren’t necessarily true, helpful, or healthy. It’s these things that are valuable to pick apart and analyze.
When it comes to deconstructing masculinity, here are some questions to ask yourself and ponder:
Do you think it’s masculine to be stoic all the time and never show emotion?
There’s nothing wrong with stoicism. In fact, in some situations it can be quite valuable. But is it good to be that way literally all the time?
What about your emotions? Even if you suppress them and avoid them, you still have them. Rather than expressing them, they are likely building up inside of you and might burst forth all at once in a way that isn’t optimal, such as an extreme anger outburst or a fit of uncontrollable crying. Not only that, but training yourself over the long-term to be out of touch with your own emotions is bad for you mental health.
Do you think it’s masculine to dominate others?
Did you have a dad who really pressured you to excel in sports? When you were a Christian, did you believe that your religion was “true” and “right” and that the world would be a much better place if literally everyone just converted to your line of thinking and believing? Do you think the world would be a better place if your chosen political party found a way to force everyone else to have the same political opinions as you?
Dominance is a very masculine trait, and usually a negative one. It’s what happens when strength and ego become out of balance. Many men learn, either explicitly or implicitly, that in order for them to be “real men” then they need to dominate others, either in sports, business, or even in relationships.
This is not the case. Contemplate why you feel the need to dominate others. 99% of the time it’ll be because you fear something. What is that thing? Be honest with yourself. Once you identify it, ask yourself why you fear it and if you really need to fear it.
Do you think it’s masculine to take charge over the women in your life?
This follows from the point above.
Do you believe that men being in charge of literally everything is the “rightful” way of the world? Do you believe what your pastor told you about you needing to be “the spiritual head of the household” even if you’re twenty-two years old and don’t have a clue what you’re doing? Do you think you need to “take charge” and “lock down” your girlfriend or spouse because you’re afraid that if you don’t, she’ll do something you won’t like?
Many men are taught, either explicitly or implicitly, that to be a real man, he needs to be in charge of the women in his life. In some cultures, this extends not only to the spouse, but to a man’s sisters and mother. When I worked overseas, I personally found myself in situations where I was directed to address a ten-year-old boy who would speak for his forty-year-old mother, who stood behind him in silence.
Again, my bet is that if you feel this way, then there’s an element of fear within you that you haven’t dealt with. And it’s probably not something you truly need to fear. It’s just a matter of doing the work and coming to truly understand that for yourself.
Do you think it’s masculine to never cry?
Many men are taught, either explicitly or implicitly, that boys don’t cry. Many young men learn this the hard way on the brutal jungle that is the schoolyard playground. God help the first boy who cries. He’ll be made fun of for the rest of the school year. Even worse, all the other young boys who see this happen will learn a sharp lesson: never cry, no matter what. That teaching will often stay with them throughout their entire lives.
Crying is a result of emotion flowing freely through you. You can cry when you’re really sad, when you’re really happy, and even when you think something is really funny. This is just your body’s way of giving your strong emotion an outlet. If it didn’t, then the emotion would be stifled and build up. As I said earlier, this is bad for you.
So why suppress this? Why not give it an outlet? I’m not saying you need to cry in front of people; it’s totally okay to save these emotional sessions for when you have some privacy.
Do you think it’s masculine to completely suppress the feminine energy that is also within you?
Are you making room for character traits such as nurturing, compassion, and creativity? Or do you think that being described as such things makes you less of a man?
Many men are taught, either explicitly or implicitly, that men are only about a certain handful of things and that the rest of it should be left to women. This is not true. All individuals, whether they are male or female, and regardless of how they identify, are well-served in seeking balance between these two complementary energies.
It’s true that masculine energy is primarily concerned with leadership, getting things done, and linear and logical thinking. However, there’s an entire half of the puzzle that’s missing if you only focus on those things and ignore everything else. Integrate aspects of positive femininity into your life to become a more whole and balanced person.
For more information on this, read my article Masculinity & Femininity.
Conclusion
No matter how much of a “man’s man” you are, there is great benefit to deconstructing your masculinity and investigating why you are the way that you are and where you learned these things. On top of that, it’s valuable to see if there are some aspects of your masculinity that are out of balance and are causing you problems.
Just remember that in the process of deconstructing your masculinity, the solution will be balance, not suppression.