June 21, 2021
Deconstructing your faith can suck pretty hard. It’s a process that necessitates dismantling your entire framework and processes by which you lived your life, putting each piece under the microscope, and ultimately throwing away much of what no longer makes sense, which can leave you with some gaping holes in your life.
But the exciting part comes with rebuilding your life in a way that you want, not what God wants or what your pastors or your religious family wanted for you. One huge thing that needs to be relearned after leaving the Church behind is dating as a Deconverted Man. But since “dating” is such a broad and encompassing term, the entire thing can be overwhelming. I’ve written this to get you started.
First Things First
If you’re single and a recently-Deconverted Man, my advice would be to take it very slow. Possibly one of the worst things you can do while deconstructing your faith is to jump into a relationship. Why?
Because I’ve noticed that men have a strong tendency to think that their romantic relationship is a band-aid or coverup for other issues in their lives that they haven’t dealt with. This is not, nor will it ever be, the case. You owe it to any future partner in your life to enter into that relationship as a man who has already dealt with his shit as best he knows how with the tools he has at the time. If your partner is even a little bit intuitive, they’ll be able to sense that they’re being used as a crutch, and they won’t like it.
With that out of the way, here’s where to get started:
Make Some Decisions
Now, assuming you’ve done what I said earlier and you’re ready to meet someone (or many someones) then I would suggest taking some time to really think about what it is that you want.
I know that sounds like the antithesis of a relationship. Especially if you grew up in the Church, you’ve been told that there’s no place for selfishness in a relationship and that you should be completely focused on serving your partner. That’s true, but incomplete. Taken too far, you may end up in sub-optimal relationship where you’re taken advantage of or your needs aren’t ever met. Therefore, in my opinion, it’s a good thing to get very clear about your needs before beginning any new relationship. After all, being clear about your needs doesn’t mean you’re going to be selfish in a relationship and not ever meet the needs of your partner.
Relationship Model
It also pays to consider what kind of relationship model you envision yourself having. Now that you’re no longer tied to the singular relationship model prescribed by the Church, you’re open to many options that you may have never considered before:
- Maybe you want to be non-monogamous so that both you and your partner(s) are free to explore.
- Maybe you want to start having same-sex relationships.
- Maybe you don’t want to be in a formal relationship at all.
- Maybe you want to be polyamorous.
- Maybe you prefer a “life partner” as opposed to getting legally married.
And those are only what I came up with off the top of my head. There are plenty of other relationship models. It’s all good and it’s all on the table.
Sex
Another thing to be aware of is that when dating outside the Church, there’s a high probability that sex will happen much earlier than you’re used too—possibly even on the first date. This is fine and not sinful, but it does mean you need to be prepared. Purity culture harms men as well as women, so it pays to reflect on where you stand in terms of your own sexuality and if you have any hang-ups or limiting beliefs that might hold you back or make you uncomfortable in that situation.
What sucks is that you may not be aware that you have these hang-ups or limiting beliefs until you’re already in the sexual situation and things don’t go as planned. Again, that’s okay. Feel free to be honest with your partner and then consider taking a step back to reflect. When your body reacts (or doesn’t react) in the way that you were expecting or intending, it’s trying to communicate something to you. Stop and listen.
The People
Another thing to prepare for is the wide range of people you’ll meet as you date around. Church people are depressingly one-note; they’re all more or less the same. I don’t think they’d all be the same if they were actually living their authentic selves, but since the Church requires conforming, the masks these people wear make them blend in with the crowd.
You’re far less likely to meet mask-wearing people out in the real world. You’ll encounter people who think differently than you, are very comfortable with themselves, know what they want, and know where they’re going in life. If you’re not used to this because you’ve spent so much time within a church bubble, it can be intimidating at first.
But it doesn’t need to be. Let it inspire you. One of the best things about dating out in the real world is that you are exposed to many diverse viewpoints and people. And just because someone has a different viewpoint than you doesn’t mean you can’t have a relationship with them, unlike what the Church always taught.
The Fun
Perhaps the most important point of all this: have fun. In the Church, dating was too damn serious. If you asked a girl out on a first date, it meant you had intentions to marry her. Ugh. No new couple needs that kind of pressure right at the beginning. Now it’s time for you to do things more authentically and have a great time doing it.
What about you? How has your dating changed since you deconverted? Did you have any snags transitioning from Church dating to secular dating? Let me know in the comments!