July 15, 2021
Story time.
Many years ago when I was still a strong Christian, I was driving home late at night and as soon as I arrived, my cell phone rang.
It was a good friend of mine calling. Although late, it wasn’t unusual for him to call at that hour, so I wasn’t worried. At the time, this friend was a very strong Christian and was heavily involved with his church.
I answered and we chatted for a bit. Then he got real serious and said, “Let me ask you a question.”
“Okay,” I said.
“If Christianity wasn’t real… if none of it was real… would you want to know?”
I was totally taken aback. I never would’ve thought I’d hear such a question coming from this guy. His faith was rock-solid. He was “on fire” for the Lord. Why would he ask me something like that?
I don’t remember what I said. I don’t think I even gave a definitive answer. The more thoughtful and intellectual side of me said yes, of course but another part of me felt that it was sinful to even consider such a thing.
I didn’t know it at the time, but my very faithful friend had just begun his own faith deconstruction. Although I’m not totally sure, I think the question he asked me that night was prompted after he’d stumbled upon some Christopher Hitchens videos on YouTube.
My friend would go on to walk the painful deconstruction path, suffering the ire of many still-believing friends and family and pastors.
It wasn’t until a year later that I finally decided to embark on the same line of questioning. I actually refused to talk to this friend about my own deconstruction too much. Although he was invaluable for giving me resources (he introduced me to Bart Ehrman), I declined to have long and drawn out conversations on matters of faith and deconversion because I wanted my path out of religion to be my own. I didn’t want a bunch of outside influence when I knew I needed to go at my own pace.
Recalling this story showed me that there was a very clear point in my life where I was reluctant to question my faith. I was afraid.
There may even be a fair few of you reading this right now who are also afraid to question your faith. Maybe you sense that some things about Christianity don’t quite add up, but can’t bring yourself to go down that road because you intuitively know that one or more (or all) of your seven life areas will be thrown out of whack.
And that’s okay.
It’s totally normal to hesitate. It’s totally okay to feel a bit of fear. The desire to turn a blind eye to it all is understandable.
But in my experience, once you get even the tiniest peek under the hood, you’ve more or less created a house of cards situation. Once a single delicate part of the foundation shifts, it isn’t long before the rest comes crashing down.
In my strong opinion, that little inkling inside of you to steal a glimpse of atheist or agnostic writing or listen to an honest debate between a historian and a Christian is coming from a very deep place inside of you. It’s the intuitive part of you that seeks to protect you and force you to grow, even if it makes you uncomfortable. It wants to draw your eye to the Truth and alert you to where you’re likely being deceived.
In a way, for some people who begin down the path of faith deconstruction—whether intentionally not—the traversing of that long, difficult road is inevitable. Once it begins, there is nothing you can do to stop it.
You can resist, but it doesn’t work. Resisting growth and development does not last for long. The more you come to question but decline to seek the Truth, the more you’ll be thrown out of alignment. You won’t be happy. You’ll be restless. You’ll feel dishonest and unauthentic. The things you’re trying to cling to won’t last because they’re meant to crumble.
This is one reason why deconstruction is so hard—because it sometimes seems inevitable. We feel like we didn’t get to choose it. One of the most common thoughts of a deconstructing Christian is, “Would I have been happier if I’d just stayed ignorant and in the Church?” The question is kind of a moot point. That road not taken never really existed in the way you thought it did. The deeper intuition inside of you never would’ve allowed that to happen. If you’d tried, you would’ve felt so uncomfortable and out of place that you eventually would’ve had to proceed down the deconstruction path or else be very unhappy, unsettled, and unsatisfied.
This sense of inevitability is one big reason why ex-Christians get so annoyed when Christians say, “You left Christianity because you never actually believed.” Very few of these exvangelicals ever felt like they had a choice in the matter. Many tried very hard to stay within their old belief systems. But in the end, it just didn’t work. Once the path begins, it rapidly becomes a slippery slope.
So if you’re reading this now and you sense that something seems off about your religion and beliefs but are reluctant to start down that path… I get it. I was there. So were many others. That means that once you inevitably begin your deconstruction, you won’t be alone. This blog and my book are only two of a myriad of resources that exist that will help you through the long process of faith deconstruction.
And no matter how hard it may seem, trust me when I say that your life will massively improve as a result.