June 28, 2021
Going through a divorce is hard, uncomfortable, and scary. I’d say men fear it more because divorce is disproportionately harsh to men in terms of family court and divorce law. That’s what we’ll talk about today.
As I’ve said before, deconverting from your fundamentalist religion involves a lot more than simply ceasing to believe in dogma and the belief in supernatural beings in the sky. When you leave your religion, it turns your entire life upside down.
One big area that can be immensely damaged by honest faith deconstruction and a subsequent deconversion is your relationships. One of the most common questions I hear asked from those in the midst of their journey away from fundamentalism is: “what about my spouse who still believes?”
It’s a very important and vital question to ask. Since the Church urges people to get married too young, most people going through a crisis of faith are already married. The lucky ones have a spouse who deconstructs and deconverts with them. The other lucky ones are those whose spouse doesn’t deconvert, but they’re still able to make the relationship work despite the differing viewpoints and religious beliefs.
Unfortunately, there are some couples who don’t have a fairy tale ending. Sometimes, the marriage ends. And that’s okay. As I’ve said before, there is absolutely no shame in divorce.
And even though it can be hard to accept, your spouse is 100% free to end her marriage with you if it no longer gives her what she wants. If she still wants a Christian marriage with a Christian man who assumes the role of “spiritual head of the household” and all that stuff, then so be it. She’s a grown autonomous adult and has the right to have a marriage like that in her life if she wants it.
If you’re a recently Deconverted Man or a soon-to-be Deconverted Man and it looks like a divorce from your still-believing spouse is imminent or inevitable, it’ll serve you well to take some time to process what’s coming.
I’m not writing this article to scare you. I’m writing this to make you aware of what might possibly be in store for you should you need to go down this road. That being said, I’ve written this as a grim “worst case scenario” in the hopes that, should you go through this, you fare a lot better than it could be.
Here are the 3 most common reasons men fear divorce in the modern era:
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Financial Devastation
“Devastation” may seem a bit dramatic, but sometimes this word absolutely applies.
How much financial impact you’ll suffer will also depend on how much money or assets you have, if you have any kids together with your spouse, how your finances are structured, and in which state or country you live. For example, if you live in California and you’ve been married for ten years or more, you’ll owe your ex alimony for the rest of her life.
(If you want a harsh reality check, look into the amount of divorces served by women to their husbands in California right on or just after the tenth wedding anniversary).
But even if you’re not in California, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve dodged a bullet. Your net worth and assets are still likely to be considered community property if you earned most of it during the marriage. I’ve heard horror stories from men who spoke to lawyers before they initiated divorce proceedings. These lawyers, after reviewing the man’s financials, just looked the guy straight in the eye said, “Just forget this whole thing. Go home, play nice, do what she says, don’t piss her off, and just bear it. If you go through with his, you’ll be financially ruined. You’ll basically be starting over.”
This, of course, may not apply to you. As I said, it depends. But if you and your wife were fundamentalist Christians who followed the traditional marriage model espoused in the Church, then there’s a chance that your wife stayed home while you worked, creating an extreme income differential. Divorce law will likely force you to even that out after the marriage ends, which could be very expensive for you.
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Less Time With Your Kids
When it comes to divorce, the courts more often than not favor the mother when it comes to children. They’re more likely to award her custody while you see your own kids only on weekends, or something else just as infrequent. This usually happens because your ex will likely get to keep the house while you’re forced to move out (see the above point), so the kids will just stay where the house is.
This can go in a couple different directions, depending on how much contention there is in your relationship with your ex and how old your kids are. If your ex is mad at you because you’ve left the religion and feels like you’re destroying the family because of your deconversion (as if you can control your own beliefs), she and her lawyer may push hard for full custody of the children by painting you as a “bad influence” who might try to deconvert your kids as well. Even if all of this is made up, hyperbole, or downright untrue, the court will still be forced to err on the side of caution when children are concerned.
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Fear of “Getting Back Out There”
If you end up divorced, it’s unlikely you’ll want to stay single for the rest of your life. That means eventually you’ll have to “get back out there” in the dating world, perhaps after not having gone on a first date in a decade or more. Not only that, but dating outside the framework of Christianity will be completely new to you as opposed to the dating you did when you were in the Church.
Many men refuse to separate from their wives—even when they know remaining married is making them both miserable—simply because they don’t think they’ll be able to “get back out there.” They feel they’re out of touch with the dating world, or maybe they’ve lost their confidence and edge over the years, or maybe they think they aren’t as physically attractive as they were years ago.
These false and limiting beliefs can keep men in marriages that they no longer have any business being in. And that’s exactly what they are—false and limiting beliefs. It’s entirely possible to rev yourself up and get back out there into the dating market following a divorce. I’ve spoken with many men who did so quite successfully.
What about you? Did a looming divorce spike any fears in you that I didn’t mention here? Let me know in the comments!