October 3, 2021
Leaving the Church is a big moment in the life of a Deconverted Man.
When people start questioning and deconstructing their faith, they very rarely immediately cease going to Church. Instead, they continue to show up and go through the motions—all while having doubts in the backs of their minds. Often, these doubts are kept secret because admitting them can cause people to be looked down upon in Church circles and communities. Also, immediately ceasing to attend Church will raise the eyebrows of religious family members, friends, pastors, and other members of the congregation. Faith deconstruction is hard enough without having a bunch of people asking you why you weren’t at church on Sunday.
Leaving your church is a big moment. When you don’t return, you’re making a statement, whether that’s your intention or not. When you leave your church, it means you’re done. You’ve had enough, you don’t want to hear anymore and you’re moving on with your life and choosing to commit your time and attention to other, better things.
In the conversations I’ve had about finally leaving your church and never returning, I’ve noticed there are a few different ways the church, the pastor, and the congregation can respond. Here are the three most common ones I’ve heard.
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No one seems to notice or care
By far, this reaction seems to be the most common and prevalent. At first this surprised me, but after giving it a few minutes of thought, I realized I shouldn’t be surprised by this at all.
Many people I’ve spoken with who have deconstructed their faith told me that one day, after they were ready, they abruptly stopped showing up to church, drifted away, and never went back. They said they braced themselves for calls and texts to see if they were okay and asking where they’d been.
Only to encounter absolute radio silence. The church just proceeded along as if no one noticed or cared.
This can be quite a surprising reaction from a church body who spent a lot of time calling you “family,” telling you they loved you, and who are really enthusiastic about the parable of the 99 sheep.
This reaction makes perfect sense if someone wasn’t very involved in the church to begin with, but I also hear this from people who were very “plugged in.” Whether they were worship leaders, ran Bible studies for years, or worked on leadership for a decade… it didn’t seem to matter. They were gone and no one reached out.
This can be painful and feel like a slap in the face, but honestly, this is probably the best possible outcome from leaving the church. You get to avoid drama, having to explain yourself, and the emotionally-draining conversations with people who don’t actually want to hear why you left. When no one from the church reaches out, you have more space to process your thoughts and your deconstruction without falling back into the temptation of returning to church out of guilt or a being fearful that your deconstruction is offensive to God.
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You are pursued
Some people report the opposite of the first option. They are actually pursued.
- Pastors reach out and offer to discuss your doubts.
- Religious friends ask you out to lunch to talk about whatever you’re going through. They’ll say they’re praying for you, and some of them might actually do it.
- A close church mentor offers to provide some resources that might can answer some of your questions.
What often strikes people who find themselves in this situation is that it doesn’t last as long as they thought it would. The nice, well-wishing messages and the kind, thoughtful words dry up quickly. This can leave you with the impression that the people in the church only reached out just enough to make themselves feel better about having “done something” and that maybe you weren’t “on their heart” as much as they said you were.
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You are shunned
A third option that happens sometimes is you can actually be shunned and blacklisted from your former church.
- You may be told in clear language from the pastor or other members of the congregation that you are no longer welcome there.
- The church leadership may encourage the other members of the congregation to not associate with you in any way since you are now “a threat” to their faith.
- In extreme cases, you may get bullied or harassed by people in the church that shunned you.
I’ve noticed this most often seems to happen when people make a sharp departure from accepted church doctrine, such as coming out as gay, bisexual, or transexual. Church people really don’t like this, and when they see a former member do it, they often stop caring about “bringing them back” and consider that person to be a lost cause. For them, it’s much easier to just cut ties and let them go their own way. And honestly, if this describes you, then that might be the best option for you as well (except in the case of harassment or abuse, of course).
These are only three of the most common reactions I’ve noticed, but there are certainly more. Let me know in the comments how your church reacted to your leaving!