What I’m about to describe is, for me, unique to my own experience. So far, I haven’t spoken to anyone who can relate, but to be fair, I haven’t shared this concept with many people. The reason is because I hadn’t been able to identify and articulate this odd little thought process until recently. If you’ve experienced this, or once thought similarly to me, then please let me know!
For pretty much the entire time I spent in the Church, I automatically assumed that everyone was thinking, feeling, believing, and aspiring to the same things as me. In reality, everyone in the congregation was all over the place.
This wasn’t anything I was taught by my church or pastor. Rather, it was simply a result of me being young, naive, and in a Christian bubble.
Here’s some examples of the kinds of assumptions I made:
- What I considered to be the physical limit to not cross with a girl was what others also believed.
- What I considered to be too much alcohol to drink was what others also believed.
- What I considered to be the best way to pray was what others also believed.
- What I considered to be the most authentic way to worship was what others also believed.
I can’t say for certain where this thought pattern came from. My best guess is that my sheltered brain assumed that because we all went to the same church, attended the same Bible studies, and had the same evangelistic goals, then we all believed the same things.
To me, others’ faith in God trumped the myriad of life experiences that may have led other Christians to have slightly different opinions than me.
Also, it never occurred to me at the time that Christians could debate other Christians as a way to refine their convictions. I always felt debates were to be had with atheists for evangelism purposes.
This thought pattern caused me problems when I would inevitably find out that a Christian friend or church person that I admired believed something different than me—usually a more liberal take on a certain topic. Then I would get upset or disappointed. Sometimes, it would trigger my “holier than thou” switch and make me start to feel superior.
And to be clear, these differences in beliefs weren’t major things that usually divide Christians, such as the age of the earth or the literal vs metaphorical interpretations of the Bible. These were dumb, nit-picky things that should probably never divide any church today:
- How far is too far with your consenting girlfriend? Is making out the limit? Is touching her butt okay? Is touching under her shirt okay?
- How much alcohol is too much? Should Christians consume zero alcohol? One beer? Two? Or is drinking fine as long as you don’t get drunk? How do you even quantify drunk?
- What is the best way to pray? Out loud or silently? How long should a prayer be? How many times should you include someone’s prayer request that you promised to pray for before you’re allowed to stop praying for that person?
- What is the most authentic way to worship? Traditional hymns or contemporary Christian music? Sing out loud or not? Hands raised or not?
If you think I sound insane, you’re right. I’d agree with you. Looking back, I blame my INTJ personality type for needing precise answers to these questions (if that doesn’t mean anything to you, then look up the Myers-Briggs personality types. Have some fun taking the online test and figuring out your own).
The worst part about this, however, was that I silently decided on answers to these questions based on what I heard in sermons or read in the Bible, then turned these into standards that I then projected onto other people in the church. Very messed up.
But hey. We all did, said, and thought dumb things back when we were Christians. Luckily, this tendency of mine never caused any exterior fights or conflict from what I can remember. It was only tension within my own mind and heart when I discovered that someone didn’t hold themselves to the same standards as I held them.
It was only after I deconverted that I realized that my brain had worked this way. Today, I no longer have to spend any mental or emotional energy trying to hold other people to a private set of standards.
It’s actually one of the most freeing aspects of deconversion that I’ve experienced. Now, I can accept people for who they really are and actually understand their past experiences that have led them to believe and behave as they do. It’s led to far more authentic and honest connections.