July 18, 2022
When you deconstruct your faith, it can feel like you’re losing a huge part of yourself. Everything you believed in and all the traditions you followed are suddenly called into question. It can be difficult to figure out what comes next.
One thing that helps a lot of people going through this is to get rid of any physical evidence that ties them to their former religious life. This includes things like journals, notebooks, and old Bible study notes. I feel like every single time I check an online deconstruction space, there is yet another thread—often accompanied by pictures—of someone having a cathartic moment of burning their old leather-bound journals and their highlighted-up Bibles.
And I can’t help but cringe.
On one hand, I get it. There’s something freeing about physically destroying the tangible reminders of your religious past. It can feel like a symbolic way of moving on and starting fresh.
But on the other hand, I can’t help but think there’s something unnecessarily destructive about it. After all, those journals and notebooks represent a significant chunk of your life, however much you may want to forget it.
There’s something valuable in being able to look back and see how far you’ve come. And you never know—there may be someone out there who finds inspiration by reading about your journey, provided you were brave enough to let them read your journals (I probably wouldn’t be, honestly).
So is it really necessary to get rid of everything?
In my opinion, the pros to keeping your old journals after leaving religion greatly outweigh the cons. Here are a few reasons:
Your journals may remind you of the struggles you went through and how you ultimately got through them yourself.
Did you journal about your prayer requests? Did you write down all the things you wanted God to help you accomplish? If you were anything like me, then you did.
But when you read through all of those things now that you know there’s no God, you’ll see how you ultimately persevered through all those situations using your own strength.
Building a sense of personal self-confidence and capability in the absence of God is a key part of faith deconstruction. Reviewing your old journals can help remind you that even when you had no idea you were doing so, you used your own strength to bring about your own desires.
Your old journals can be a source of inspiration, providing proof that it’s possible to break free from religious indoctrination.
My personal journals seem to have been written by a completely different person. That’s why they’re so interesting to read these days—they show just how far I’ve come.
I was religious for over two decades, and in those journals I can see how deep my faith ran. If I was able to pull myself out of it, then what else am I capable of? It’s quite inspiring.
Handwritten accounts are valuable.
Perhaps I’m being sentimental here, but there’s just something about handwritten material that seems to strike a chord better than anything on a digital screen.
Reading an old, handwritten journal is like having a direct connection to the past. It feels more genuine and authentic, and even though paper is frail, it still seems much more permanent.
Having these kinds of records of your past are, in my opinion, very valuable, even if you no longer identify with the version of you who wrote those words.
You may find compassion for your younger self as you read about what they were going through.
If you’ve been deconstructing for a while, it’s likely you’ve consumed a lot of information about how harmful the church is.
But even though you were a Christian, you probably weren’t a harmful person who sought to strong-arm others, as you perceive Christians as doing today.
No, your younger self had certain motivations, environments, preconceived notions, and misperceptions about things. Reading back on your old journals can help connect you back to that version of yourself and help you to truly understand why you believed in the first place, and what factors—both internal and external—helped motivate you to that place of belief.
Having that “why” attached to your belief might give you a more holistic perspective on how you ended up in religion in the first place. This perspective can help you forgive yourself when you are feeling angry at your past self.
Conclusion
It could be none of these reasons resonate with you and you’re planning to burn your old journals, or perhaps would burn them again if you could have them back. That’s fine. I get it. To each their own.
As for me, I’ll hang on to my old Bible study notes and devotional journals as a nice little souvenir of the person I used to be a long time ago.
Besides, they’ll always be available for me to read when I feel like having a fun little cringe every once in a while.