April 8, 2021
Today we’re going to talk about the dirty “S” word.
Selfishness.
Christians hate selfishness. They loathe it. To them, there is almost nothing worse than be self-serving.
Many sermons have been given denouncing it. Many Bible studies around the world have concluded that being selfish is not Godly. After all, Jesus was the ultimate example of selflessness, right?
The interesting thing about selfishness is that it also gets a bad rap outside of Christian fundamentalism. You’ll meet plenty of atheists and agnostics who don’t want to be selfish and don’t like it when other people are selfish.
But is being selfish really such a bad thing?
As always, the answer isn’t either yes or no. There are some shades of grey. Let’s explore.
A lifetime of selflessness, as taught by the Church, is a very damaging way to live life. If you spend your entire life trying to build up others without ever spending any time building up yourself, you will end up with a very un-optimized life.
- You’ll be a people pleaser.
- You’ll never develop your own boundaries.
- You’ll put others’ needs before your own.
- You’ll be taken advantage of.
I think everyone reading this knows at least one person like this. They help, help, help and they give, give, give, but they see very little of that same favor ever returned back to them.
On the rare occasion that one of their friends tries to speak some truth to them and tell them, “Hey, maybe you should do something for you every once in a while,” they refuse. They just can’t fathom the idea of acting out of “selfishness” (as they believe it to be).
This person’s polar opposite also exists—the person who is so self absorbed that they’re kind of an asshole.
- They’re always looking out for “numero uno.”
- They’re willing to step on others to get what they want.
- They act as if it’s “every man for himself” every single day.
The problem is that Christians believe that if they ever stop being the selfless person that I described earlier, then they will instantly transform into the asshole I just described.
Of course, this type of thinking lacks nuance, but it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Christians think in very black-and-white terms.
I’ve said before that you need to take care of yourself before you can effectively take care of others. The key word there is effective. Christians don’t get this. They send a bunch of high school kids to Mexico to build houses for a mission trip to teach them selflessness. But these kids aren’t helping anyone because none of them know how to build a house. They aren’t being effective.
If you’ve recently deconverted, then I recommend you go through a healthy and extensive period of being selfish. If the dirty “S” word makes you feel uncomfortable, then feel free to call it something else.
- Say, “I’m working on myself.”
- Say, “I’m just doing me right now.”
- Say, “I’m exploring my own options for the time being.”
Say whatever you need to. The point is that you are focusing on building yourself up. That means a majority, if not all of your time will be spent doing things that directly benefit you.
It’s easy to see how people who choose constant selfishness as a lifestyle get so addicted it. When you only spend time working to benefit yourself, you can make huge improvements to your life very rapidly.
If you’ve recently deconverted, then that’s precisely the goal: to make huge improvements to your life very rapidly.
You are not bad or evil or an asshole for choosing to go through a period of selfishness, especially if you’re working to recover from a traumatic deconversion. Rather, a period of selfishness is just what you need to land back onto your feet.
This, of course, does not mean being a prick to everyone you know. However, what it does mean is that you may not be as available to others as you maybe once were.
- You may need to say no more often.
- You may need to explain to someone that you’ll no longer be available to help them time and time again.
- You may need to quit some of your commitments.
After a few years of this, when you feel ready, then you can take a time out and start looking around for opportunities to help others in whatever way you can. Now that you’ve done work on yourself, you’ll now be helping others from a proper position of being able to help. You’ll actually be effective.
What about you? Did you go through a period of selfishness after your deconversion? Or perhaps you’re going through your deconversion right now and finding it difficult to shirk your old people pleasing Church ways? Let me know in the comments!