March 15, 2021
One common complaint I see most often from those who have deconverted is when they get trapped in group prayer situations.
These are most likely to happen when visiting religious family members or religious in-laws. This is because group prayers don’t usually happen at work or other public events, and if you’ve deconstructed then you probably aren’t hanging out with your old religious friends as much as you used to. Religious family members are often the hardest to avoid during a delicate deconstruction.
So how should you handle these group prayer situations? Here’s my take.
First, you need to be honest with yourself about how other people praying affects you. Does it legitimately trigger you or is it something you just don’t like? There’s a difference.
Think of military people who return from overseas. If they have lingering PTSD from their experiences, then they’ll have full-body adverse reactions to things like hearing fireworks or a camp fire popping. They instinctively react and try to get away even though they don’t want to react like that. That is a trigger.
If, when you hear a prayer, you’re able to sit through it despite feeling that it’s stupid, silly, or unnecessary, then you simply just don’t like prayer. It’s okay and normal to feel that way after your deconstruction, but you’re not triggered by it like others are.
I think it’s important to keep the definition of a “trigger” from becoming overly broad and diluted. So, first and foremost, be honest with yourself about how prayer affects you.
If Prayer Triggers You
If you are legitimately triggered by prayer, then I’d recommend that initially you avoid all potentially-religious encounters.
If you know that your family or in-laws always say a prayer before they eat, then don’t go to the dinner at all or plan to arrive late after the prayer is done.
Instead of coming up with clever ways to get out of the prayer, I would suggest that you invest that time into working with a licensed therapist who understands religious trauma who can help guide you through these feelings.
If Prayer Doesn’t Trigger You
If prayer is simply something you don’t like after your deconstruction, that’s perfectly fine.
Before I get to my practical advice, it’s important to take a step back and remember that it’s impossible for you to control another person, nor do you have the right to control another person.
You cannot (and should not be able to) control what another person thinks, believes, or does. Therefore, you cannot (and should not be able to) control if they pray in your presence, especially if you are the one who is visiting their home.
Whenever I was deciding how to handle this situation during the early stages of my deconstruction, it occurred to me that it wasn’t worth the potential drama to get my point across. A thirty second prayer spoken by someone else before dinner wasn’t going to kill me.
Here are some things I have personally done (and still do) when I find myself in a group prayer situation:
- I speak to myself in my head about how unnecessary this is and make a big joke out of it to myself.
- I take that moment to remember something I’m grateful for that happened that day.
- I make a quick plan for what I need to do after I get home before I go to bed.
- If there’s meat being served, I’ll thank the animal for sacrificing its life so that my body can be nourished.
It’s true what they say about losing the battle to win the war. You’ll never be long-term happy if you absolutely must win every single little battle that comes your way. People like that can’t see the bigger picture of the war.
Another piece of advice I commonly see is to ask the host ahead of time if the prayer can be skipped. I don’t like this advice.
Again, I just don’t think anyone has the right to walk into another person’s home and try to conduct things in accordance to their own preferences. It’s disrespectful, rude, and a bit socially miscalibrated—yes, even when the matter at hand is religious in nature.
No matter how hard you try, sometimes you can’t avoid traffic jams, or long lines at the grocery store, or any number of annoying things that are part of life. Prayer ultimately lands on that list after you deconvert. You should treat it the same way you treat those other life annoyances—get through it while knowing it’s not going to kill you.
What about you? How do you handle group prayer situations? Let me know in the comments!