December 13, 2021
One common outcome of deconstructing your faith is going through a radical shift in community. Often, religious friends don’t understand your departure from religion, and even though they may have once seemed like lifelong friends, they may choose to no longer associate with you in your new life of disbelief.
But honestly, to be fair, even people who aren’t religious and never were experience a natural narrowing of their social lives as they grow older. I discuss this phenomenon in my book. Sometimes it seems like the older people get, the more they prefer to be able to count their good friends on one hand.
I could be wrong, but it seems to me that this desire to count good friends on one hand might no longer be reserved for older people. It seems there is a strong sentiment of “find your people” among folks my age and a little older. The other implication of “finding your people” which is sometimes left unsaid but other times explicitly stated is, “literally everyone else can fuck off.”
At first glance, this isn’t a bad thing. As people get older, they have less and less time for drama and bullshit. One of the best ways to minimize drama and bullshit in your life is to no longer associate with people who bring drama and bullshit along with them. Thus, “finding your people” becomes a top priority for many.
But what does “your people” look like. In general:
- They agree with most, if not literally all of your political opinions.
- They live a similar lifestyle to you.
- They view the world through a similar lens.
- They have the same desires, or desires that are very similar.
That is not an exhaustive list, of course.
When I mentioned above about people bringing drama and bullshit, these people usually don’t intentionally decide to go out of their way to bring you drama and bullshit. Rather, they are just different from you, and in the course of living their authentic (albeit different from you) self, you perceive them as bringing drama and bullshit. Since they are not one of “your people” then you want nothing to do with them and don’t want to hear anything they have to say or even why they approach life in the way they do.
On one hand, I get it. Everyone seems to be exhausted and fed up with everybody else. On the other hand, is this the best way to live? Are we all just segregating ourselves into different boxes and teams? Are we building echo chambers around ourselves?
Are we doing like the Church does and creating small microcosm environments that only reinforce our own beliefs and patterns and neglect anything that might introduce us to another way of thinking?
Some of you reading this may respond with, “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing and I’m going to keep doing it.”
Hey, fair enough. It could be you’re ready to hammer in everything you currently believe and think about the world, double and triple down on it, and only surround yourself with people, groups, and content that reinforce all of it. In a way, I don’t blame you. It will certainly free up a lot of your time to pursue other interests and goals.
Speaking for myself, I’m not quite sure I’m ready to do that, though. While I’m quite confident in my political leanings, spiritual beliefs, and my opinions on most matters and issues I can’t help but hesitate to totally close myself off to different ways of thinking. It very well could be that there’s something more convincing out there and I don’t want to miss it.
I feel this way because I was burned pretty badly when I was a Christian, as were most of you who are reading this. I was not open to different opinions and beliefs when I was still in the Church and while I knew there were a lot of different religions and belief systems out there, I declined to look into any of them. Later, after I finally got over that and went through my deconstruction, I kicked myself for not opening up to other points of view sooner. I would’ve gotten out of the Church much earlier.
So in a way, believing in Christianity for so long was kind of like “learning a lesson” when it comes to completely ignoring other points of view. I don’t want to make that mistake again.
While it may be refreshing, encouraging, and empowering to “find your people” particularly after going through a difficult faith deconstruction, I’d encourage most people to remain curious and open to a wide array of opinions. Even if you hear something new and after sitting with it for a while you still decide that you disagree with it, then at least now you know you disagree. Next time it crops up you won’t have to consider it as long as you did the first time. Or, maybe the next time you hear a certain stance or outlook on that topic, this new person will have another slightly different way of looking at it that might get you to reconsider.
The world is very complex. There are as many ideas and opinions as there are individuals. To me, purposely limiting the amount of other points of view you entertain seems like a way of slowing growth.
But at the same time, I totally get the temptation to “find your people” and just roll with them forever. To each their own, I guess.