April 12, 2021
If you’ve spent significant time in the Church, then you’ve no doubt noticed there are certain archetypes of guys that float around each congregation.
Here’s five that I remember from my time in religion. For context, I went to a semi-large church with a thriving college ministry.
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The Flirt
Every medium-to-large size church has one of these guys. You’ll likely find him in the college service.
This dude is outgoing, extroverted, and he flirts with every eligible girl in the place.
His ultimate goal is achieving the much-coveted “make out.” Since sex is a sin, he knows he can’t do that. Since making out is not a sin (depending who you ask) then that’s his mission.
And he’s good at it. This guy can rack up dozens of “make out notches” during his time at the church.
He never actually gets into a relationship. Once he’s snagged his notch, he’s onto the next girl.
When a new girl shows up at the church, this guy hones in with laser focus. He’s the first to welcome her, show her around, introduce her to people… and of course, invite her over his place so he can help her get “plugged in.”
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“Faith is a Solemn and Serious Thing” Guy
This guy takes his faith way too seriously. He’s really into the idea that God should be the most important thing in his life. He takes this opinion so far that he thinks normal and everyday things are distractions and stumbling blocks. Hanging out with friends keeps him from reading his Bible. Buying things means he has less money to tithe. This is a vicious circle because the more aspects of a healthy life he cuts off, the surer he becomes that he’s doing what God has called him to do.
It’s common for this guy to annoy others in the church. Since he takes his faith so seriously, he expects others to do the same. When he senses they don’t, then he becomes “holier than thou.”
This guy will dip his toes into miracle healing and at some point will probably try to live literally in accordance to some Old Testament laws.
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The Guy Who Doesn’t Want To Be There
The younger version of this guy is usually a high school student who is dragged to church by his family. He zones out during sermons while sitting slumped in his seat with his arms folded across his chest. When his parents force him to go to youth group, he stands in the back, grits his teeth, and waits for it all to be over. He resists all attempts from youth leaders who try to connect with him over non-religious topics such as sports and video games.
When this kid turns 18, no one in the church ever sees him again.
The older version of this guy is found accompanied by a Christian girl. She’s dating him because she thinks she can change him, and part of this change involves dragging him to church.
This guy plays the part better than his younger counterpart mostly because he doesn’t want to piss off his girlfriend. He meets his girlfriend’s church friends and is pleasant enough, but still reserved. He knows he doesn’t have much in common with the church people.
When this guy and the Christian girl inevitably break up, no one in the church ever sees him again.
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The Up-and-Coming Church Leader
This guy is a man on a mission, and his mission is to become a church leader or a pastor.
His work often starts in college. He starts volunteering more and more of this time and may even join the staff. He’s seminary bound. He may even preach on Sunday if the lead pastor has the week off.
He takes his faith very seriously, but he’s careful not to go as far as “Faith is a Solemn and Serious Thing” Guy. This is because the Up-and-Coming Church Leader understands, at least on some level, that because the church is a business, he can’t afford to piss people off with a holier than thou attitude or by holding them to impossible standards.
Since this guy has a dedicated mission, he has an overwhelmingly high chance of succeeding and becoming the church leader he’s always wanted to be. Eventually, he moves away to take a job at a church in another city.
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The Guy Who Knows Fucking Everybody
For some reason, there seems to be a guy in every church who seems to literally know everyone.
He’s friendly with everyone in the congregation. He knows all the pastors. He knows the worship team. He knows the people who run the children’s ministry.
This guy’s network also extends far outside the walls of the church. He knows the wait staff at the restaurant. He knows people on the university’s football team. He knows local business owners.
Not only does he know all these people, but these people know him as well. He’s actually built the relationships beyond being simple acquaintances. You can’t hang out with this dude in a public place without him running into thirty people who he knows.
Observing this guy is like watching a freak of nature. You just can’t understand how this guy, who has the same 24 hours in a day as you, has managed to build such an insane social network.
Do any of these archetypes describe you from your time in the church? Maybe it was something I didn’t mention here. Let me know in the comments!