The Deconverted Man

September 24, 2020 Life within a fundamentalist religion is not how humans are meant to live long-term. Consider animals like lions, tigers, bears, and fish. We know how those animals are meant to live. We know what environments are conducive to the survival of their species and what climate they thrive in. If those animals were removed from that environment, they would die. When these animals are moved into zoos, a huge amount of effort goes into building an enclosure that resembles their natural habitat. Humans are a bit more complicated. We thrive in all kinds of environments and climates. So how do you determine the ideal way for humans to live? Is there even one single ideal that works across the board? Generally speaking, humans are most happy when they are free. So many great stories, songs, and legends from the past have to do with freedom. Freedom from oppressive masters, freedom from terrible relationships, freedom from societal expectation, or even freedom from prison. Whatever it is, people just want to be free. When people are within the fold of fundamentalist religion, they are not free. They may think they are, for a while. They think this because they are told they are free. That Jesus’s sacrifice has set them free from sin, or that God has given them free will, or that there is freedom in Christ (whatever that means). But those are just empty refrains from the leaders who are trying to keep their flock from realizing that they are not actually free — that they are actually under the Church’s control. The Church controls their behavior, their thoughts, and their actions. Therefore, since belonging to a fundamentalist religion does not make you free, then it isn’t how humans are meant to live long-term. Sure, it works for a while. Sometimes it’s nice to have all the answers given to you. To have your life seemingly controlled by God so you don’t have take any responsibility. To have a reason to coast through this precious life you’ve been given while you wait for an eternity in heaven. But eventually, some Christians wake up. Something clicks in their brains. That unknown factor that’s within all of us that looks out for our greater good (whatever you want to call it — the Universe, your gut, your intuition) lights up and says, “Hey. This isn’t how you’re meant to live.” What results is a painful deconversion. During that painful deconversion, you may be tempted to think that everything would’ve been better if you’d just remained ignorant and faithful. A deconversion usually means a loss of friends, loss of community, possibly the loss of a job (if you worked for a church), and a loss of purpose all within a short span of time. So when I say that your life should ultimately improve after your deconversion, you may be thinking I’m crazy. My work here on this blog and in my book is all about practical steps to navigate that difficult deconversion — that time period after you renounce your old religious beliefs and seemingly lose everything as a result. As a man, you are not meant to live with your mind and actions controlled by any person or deity, nor are you meant to live depressed, angry, and broken. It’s normal to feel bad for a while after your deconversion, but please remember that after some time has passed and you’ve taken some practical steps toward recovery, your life should ultimately be way better than when you were still in the Church. These are some changes you should eventually experience: You have freedom of thought. You can think about literally whatever you want without guilt, without asking for forgiveness, and without confessing to someone that you had “bad” thoughts. You have freedom of action. You can do whatever you want without guilt, without asking for forgiveness, and without confessing to someone that you did something “wrong” (within reasonable limits and while obeying the law, of course). You have freedom of belief. You can build your belief systems off of direct experiences from your life and determine for yourself what is true. When you get older and have more direct experiences that contradict something you once believed, then you are freely able to change your mind. Your beliefs are not directly handed to you by any one person, pastor, church, friend, family member, or religion. These are powerful transformations that are unlikely to just appear in your brain while you wallow in self pity on the couch. You’ll likely have to take some time (maybe a lot of time) and go out into the world and live your life differently than you ever have before — do things differently, think differently, and interact with people and your community differently. Deconverting is a lot like being born again, which I realize is ironic. But it’s true. When you finally put the pieces of your life back together, you’re a new man, and a better man. You are free and in control and are much better able to accept the world for what it is rather than what you want it to be.