The Deconverted Man

August 5, 2021 What is spirituality? That’s a broad question—so much so that I couldn’t hope to tackle the whole thing in a single article. I also feel it’d be presumptuous for me to presume I know everything about what spirituality is in the first place. Because in my view, spirituality is one of those things that’s hard to sum up neatly in a simple definition that works for all. But, as usual, one of the most helpful places to start is by discussing what spirituality is not. Many people believe that being religious and being spiritual are the same thing. This is not the case. I made this mistake myself when I was in the Church. The gist was that when someone was “really spiritual” it meant they were doing all or most things right within the context of Christianity—they had constant quiet times, their thought life was under control, they had “spiritual gifts,” or they went on a lot of mission trips. Further adding to this confusion was the Christianese concept of a “spiritual high” which someone usually had for a few weeks after returning from church camp. I definitely experienced a lot of “spiritual highs” during my time in the Church. Despite the word “spiritual” being thrown around in those situations, the examples demonstrate the difference between being spiritual and being religious. Being religious means following all the rules. Religion is all about rules. Do this. Don’t do that. Worship this god. Worship him in this certain way. Do these rituals on these certain days. Etc. There is absolutely nothing spiritual about following a bunch of rules. So what is spirituality, then? Webster gives their definition as, “the quality or state of being concerned with religion or religious matters : the quality or state of being spiritual.” But as I examined above, I disagree with this take. I’m hesitant to say that the definition of spirituality—or the experience of spirituality—will differ from person to person because words mean things for a reason and when words suffer from broadened definitions it makes it harder for people to accurately express themselves. So here’s my take on a definition that I know I’ll tweak in the future: Spirituality is an intentional journey of ongoing self development, raising consciousness, and increasing awareness. Spirituality is intentional because you must choose it. It’s meaningless if you’re not the one to choose to develop yourself. Spirituality is ongoing because it endures for your entire life. There is no finish line. Spirituality is self development because as you grow spiritually, you develop into a well-rounded individual who lives in a state of love rather than fear. Spirituality is raising consciousness because as you grow spiritually, you develop more of a bird’s-eye-view of reality and life. This does not mean you are on a pedestal above others, but rather you have a “higher” perspective and vantage point, meaning you can more easily spot connections, patterns, cause-and-effect relationships, and accurately discern the Truth. Spirituality is increasing awareness because as you grow spiritually, you become more aware of yourself, your patterns, your strengths and weaknesses, and are better able to spot similar things in others. One big reason spirituality is so hard to define is that everyone’s spiritual paths—or spiritual journeys—will look different. There is no one way. I suspect there are infinite ways to traverse a spiritual path. Many Deconverted Men will decline to invest in their spiritual lives, especially in the years immediately following their departure from organized religion. It makes sense. After being misled for so long by supernatural dogma, they adamantly refuse to involve themselves in anything that isn’t tangible, proven, or well-studied and explained. I get it. I landed there myself after my own faith deconstruction and subsequent deconversion. But spirituality isn’t just another brand of supernatural. It isn’t necessarily having mystical experiences. It isn’t necessarily traveling to Southeast Asia and living in a monastery. It isn’t necessarily meditating seven hours a day. It isn’t necessarily about becoming a witch or engaging in pagan practices. It isn’t necessarily all about astral projecting, reading Tarot cards, studying astrology, gaining psychic and clairvoyant abilities, or working with energies and auras. To be clear, a lot of spiritual people either do or have experienced some or all of the things on that list. It’s not my place to tell them whether what they did or experienced was authentic or not. I will say that at the time of this writing, I have not done or experienced any of the things on the above list, and I still consider myself spiritual. In my own experience, and from what I’ve learned in speaking to others who have robust spiritual lives, the spiritual path seems to most often start when an individual begins to sense that there “must be something more.” That “something more” is not the Christian god. Been there, done that. It isn’t any other organized religion, either. The spiritual path usually begins after a fair amount of deconstruction. As I’ve said before several times, deconstruction need not only be applied to your religion. It can, and should be applied to every single aspect of your life. So when someone deconstructs enough and finds that their religion has failed them, their society has failed them, their culture has failed them, and their political system has failed them… what’s left? The only remaining option is to stop seeking solutions in external things and to finally dive within themselves—ironically the one and only thing that has been with them since the moment they were born. Diving within allows for the deconstruction of the ego—the sum of all the roles you play in this world that don’t actually represent you. “I am a teacher.” “I am a security guard.” “I am a Christian.” “I am an atheist.” Those are merely roles and labels. They aren’t the real you. Roles and labels change throughout your life, so how can they possibly reflect the real you? When you were young and in middle school or high school, you probably changed roles and labels as often as you changed your clothes. Maybe you tried being a “jock” or “band kid” or “class clown” or “bully” just to see what felt right. As you got older, you abandoned most of those roles and labels and settled into some more stable ones. But those current roles and labels still aren’t the real you. Another big component of the spiritual path is commonly referred to as “shadow work.” Despite its seemingly fantastical or “woo-woo” name it’s actually quite raw and relevant. Basically, it means clearing out all your baggage. Becoming aware of, facing, and integrating the negative aspects of yourself. The simple (yet not easy) act of going to therapy is likely you engaging in shadow work whether you use that term or not. I’ve only scratched the surface here, but as I said at the beginning, it would be impossible to dive into the broad topic of spirituality in a single article. But if you’ve felt that sense of “something more” and you already know it isn’t yet another organized religion, then maybe you’re ready to start exploring your own spirituality. Hopefully what I’ve written here can help get you started.