The Deconverted Man

February 10, 2022 It’s often said that church, Christianity, and religion in general are patriarchal. That’s true. But does that mean life within the Church is a masculine lifestyle? There’s a very subtle difference between the two words. Patriarchal means leadership positions are held by men and all major decisions are ultimately made by men. Even more “liberal” churches who don’t mind allowing women in leadership often still end up with men filling all the leadership positions because, well, that’s just how it works out. Kind of like the office of the US President—there’s no law blocking a woman from becoming president; it just hasn’t happened. Evangelical and fundamentalist Christianity is a very masculine lifestyle for the leader of the church. He’s the one in charge.He gets to make all the decisions.He gets the final say on ideas that are brought up by his subordinates. This position also allows the leader to express the negative side of masculinity, if he hasn’t yet handled that aspect of himself (and usually he hasn’t). He bullies the lower-ranking staff.He basks in all the attention earned from his Type-A, aggressive personality.He’s the face of the church, for better or for worse.He gets to build his brand and make money by releasing books and charging speaking fees.He’s in a great position to hit on all the secretaries and the congregation’s women, and can rally the rest of the church to defend him should they ever speak up about it. All of that equates to a very masculine experience for the man at the top. But what about the other 99% of the men in the Church who aren’t in a leadership position? Eh, no. It isn’t a masculine lifestyle at all. Let’s explore. (Note: the behaviors and actions listed here are ones that involve masculine energy. That does not mean they are exclusively available to men. All humans, regardless of their sex or how they identify, contain varying amounts of both masculine and feminine energy. For more information about that, read this). He isn’t a leader. Since he’s not the leader, that makes him a follower. He defers to the pastors, the elders, and whoever else ranks above him because that’s just what he’s always been told to do. He’s submissive. In life, there are times to submit and times to lead. But if you’re a man with a little bit more masculine energy, then too much submission in a key area of your life (such as religion) will start to take its toll on you. At some point, you’re probably going to want to break away from whatever authority is weighing heavy on you and do your own thing—carve your own path, think your own thoughts, and execute on your own ideas. But men in the Church who aren’t leaders don’t get to do this. The church business model doesn’t work without keeping the men in the congregation in a submissive position. He gets taken advantage of. The average joe in the church congregation may be pressured to volunteer and feel like he can’t say no even if he really would prefer to decline. He could be pressured to dedicate tons of time practicing and playing in the worship band (I had many friends who got caught in this trap).If he’s handy, he could be asked to fix things around the church so that the leaders don’t have to spend tithe money hiring an actual professional.If he drives a pick-up truck, he could be asked to transport stuff on the weekends or be asked to help other members of the church move when he’d rather spend time with his own family. Often, churches will look out for people who aren’t doing anything extra and specifically target them with “opportunities to serve.” In their minds, they think they’re getting this guy to be more “plugged in.” And for him, it may seem that way at first, until the time and attention he’s volunteering slowly shifts from mere volunteering to actual expectations. It often gets to the point where if he tries to say no, he’s looked down upon. He suppresses his sexuality. If you’re a Christian and a single man, the expectation is that you will not have sex until you’re married. If you comply with this, that means you are suppressing your sexuality. There is absolutely nothing masculine about suppressing your sexuality. Sexuality is an integral part of every man, and it needs to integrated, explored, and most importantly, time needs to be taken to learn how to express it safely, responsibly, ethically, and legally. None of that can be done while suppressing it. Besides, suppressing your sexuality doesn’t actually work. If a man suppresses his sexual energy, it will be diverted and come out in other ways, usually in a manner that will harm himself and others. That is why there is such a high instance of sexual misconduct in the church. To learn more about this, read my article Why the Church Thinks Men Can’t Control Their Lust. He doesn’t think for himself. A man in the Church doesn’t get to think for himself. That is frowned upon by everyone. Rather, he’s told what to think and believe by his pastors, a two-thousand-year-old book, and an amorphous, supposedly-omniscient god who watches his every move and tallies up all his sins. He isn’t authentic. Following from the point above, if a man is just a copy/paste version of his pastor or an amalgamation of four or five Christian mentors, then there’s a very high possibility that he isn’t being his authentic self. Why? Because he hasn’t taken the time to think outside of his church bubble long enough to determine if his religion is allowing him to be the person he truly is and wants to be. He hasn’t taken the time to listen to his own intuition. Since humans are greatly varied creatures, there’s a very high chance there are aspects of himself that he’s suppressed in favor of fitting in with this church body. Conclusion Those are only a few examples, but there are more. Personally, as I got older, I started to take issue with all of the things I mentioned here. I also found myself wanting to rebel just for the sake of it, as I talked about here when I refused to repeat my baptism. Christians might call me prideful, selfish, or “unteachable.” And you know what? They’re right. I wizened up and started seeing things for how they were. Then when I left my church, I started addressing all of the things on the list above and found my happiness shooting through the roof.